I don't have the figures in front of me but I believe the last time I wrote anything here was...sometime shortly before the invention of...rocks. Just before rocks were invented. So, I figured it was time.
Is anyone still out there? Anyone still listening? Anyone still D.R.E?
I know one person who is.
And his name is D.R.E.
But nevermind, I digress, the important thing is that rocks were invented, and they can now be used for a variety of common household tasks, everything from stoning adulterers to stoning blasphemers. But nevermind, I digress. Let's talk about the scandalous allegations that have recently been made against me.
Allegations have recently been made against me suggesting that I have abandoned the Burning Building due to me acquiring a life. This is, of course, ridiculous, and frankly, I am outraged that it has even been suggested. The reasons for my long silence are complicated, involving a variety of factors including laziness, faulty web tools, inclimate weather, insecurity, JFK assassination, girlfriends, traffic jams, roadwork, Lincoln assassination, seismic activity, UFO sightings, attempted Reagan assassination, and laziness.
During this entire silence, however, I've been posting regular updates to my Myspace Blog, and also just thinking all kinds of funny things, which I think about in my head, and laugh, and then go about my day. Not much use to all you all, but well I sure enjoy them.
Anyway, now I've ironed out a few internetian difficulties, and I will be posting again on a pseudo-regular basis, on and on until the break of dawn.
(Applause signal, very large and bright. Man with gun stands nearby, pointing to signal.)
Since I know a large amount of you interweb-surfing kids are here because of a certain link on a certain website belonging to a certain band called Relient K, I think I will now talk about what it was like to be on tour with Relient K.
Yes, I was on tour with them. Technically. Kind of. I was on their tour bus. And while I was on their tour bus, they did start the tour bus's engine. So although the bus didn't actually move and thus I didn't do any actual touring, I think...it still counts.
For the newcomers, let me explain a little. Unlikely as it may seem, given the chasm between our artistic styles and social scenes, I have a long-running long-distance relationship with Relient K's frontman, Mr. Matt Thiessen. Just how the hell do you pronounce that name, you ask? Well I've got the "Matt" part down, but I usually don't attempt the last name. But I do have his phone number...so I guess I could just use his phone number, in combination with a telephone that I also have, to call him, and ask. Hm...
(Teenage girls of the World Wide Web: How much cash can I get for Matthew Thiessen's phone number? The bidding starts at 50 bucks. Email me. )
Oh, and In case you don't believe I have it...well here's a little sample, to tantalize you. It starts with the following numbers...the area code.
Kids, take that area code, that little piece of Matt, and smell it. Smell deep. Smell that? That's the smell of pop-punk-rock superstardom. And Ohio. And maybe a little B.O. (Stands for "body odor".)
Anyway, I have known this fellow for quite a few years now, mostly through this very website, and the emails that followed, and usually, when his band comes to Seattle I come out to the show, then hang out afterward on the bus, which, unfortunately, being a Christian rock band's tour bus, is not the pit of drugs and debauchery one might expect/hope for.
I learned a lot and had a lot of unforgettable experiences during my time on tour with Relient K, before I got tired and went home and went to bed, but probably the most incredible thing of all was learning that you are not allowed to poop on the tour bus. Not a joke. Apparently poop causes major problems for the bus' plumbing system which the driver then has to deal with, so there are hefty fines for, you know...pooping. Peeing is fine, pee all you want, hell pee all night long, but if anyone poops--oh man, hell hath no fury like a tour bus pooped on.
So, unless I missed some crucial point, what this means is that these guys have to "hold it" for the entire tour. Some people may complain about how much money and luxury is handed over to rock stars, but think of the endurance and self-control this must take! To hold your poop for sooo long! I would say rock stars deserve every penny they make. So next time you attend a show and you see Matt squinting his eyes shut and grimacing as he plays a wicked guitar riff on any one of his many hit singles, remember that he's not just getting caught up in the power of the music--he has to shit like a race-horse!
That's all the news I have for now. Check back several times a day for more! I need to get my daily hits up by about 3 digits, then I can quit my job and devote the rest of my life to training my beloved lobsters.
Honestly, I think that I am a very good lobster trainer, possibly the best there is right now. I have years of experience. I know how to bind their claws with rubber bands. I know what temperature of water they prefer. I know how to love them. I know how to show them love, and that, above all, is what makes me a great lobster trainer, and what makes my lobsters win nearly every match in the semi-legal, closed-claw lobster fights hosted at my apartment nearly every tuesday.
Don't you know that lobsters are creatures of love? That is why they fight so fiercely! If you understand this, perhaps we can be friends, or even more than friends, if you can love the way lobsters love.