5/29/2007

BOOZE - BEACH - SEA VAMPIRES

Yesterday was Memorial Day, which is an American national holiday memorializing something or other, I don't remember... But anyway, whatever it's about, the American workforce gets the day off. So how did I spend this glorious sunny holiday? Well, I had no big plans, I was getting bored, so I decided:
It Will Be Fun to Go Get Drunk On The Beach By Myself In the Middle of the Day.
I've never done it before, I have nothing better to do, why not? So I grab a blanket, I grab a book, I grab my "Camel Pack" water bottle, the kind with a straw built into the lid, I fill it with all my remaining liquor--Brandy, Kahlua Especial, and a little Gran Marnier--add a Moxie soda for a mixer, and hop in the old Hyundai. I'm off to the beach.

It's a short trip from my house to the beach, so while I'm driving I get out the water bottle for a little pre-loading. The thing that I'm forgetting is that since this water bottle has a built in straw that reaches all the way to the bottom, the slightest increase in internal pressure causes its contents to rise up the straw, and...out. This can even happen with plain water, just from being warmed up a few minutes. So in this case, being under high pressure from a bottle of highly carbonated soda...I flip open the mouthpiece and, with a great burst of spray, the bottle ejaculates a cascade of soda and liquor onto the ceiling of my car, my seats, and all over my own self.

Amusing, yes, laugh at me, sure, but this is only a foreshadow of the spewing that's to come later that evening.

So I arrive at Golden Gardens Park, aka The Beach. I throw out my blanket, remove my shirt and socks, and lay out in my dark jeans, realizing I don't even own a pair of shorts. I take long pulls off my "water" bottle and lay there soaking up the sun. Low-flying planes spin out of control as their pilots are blinded by my torso.

After a while, I receive a text from my ex-girlfriend / current-friend, and I invite her to join me at the beach. I tell her that I didn't bring enough liquor to achieve my goals, and she asks if she should bring Skyy. I say yes, absolutely--but it turns out that Skyy is a person, not a Vodka. But Skyy the person brings a can of Tilt and a Heineken. So it's ok. Oh and my ex brings a flask of 151. So...it's ok.

So, we all three sit there on the blanket, three very white youths dressed in black, enjoying the beach and drinking a great deal of alcohol. The thing that I have not taken into consideration during all this is that I haven't eaten anything all day except a Hot Dog. Yes, a Hot Dog. So all this beveraging is catching up to me faster than I expected. Soon I have achieved my goal, I am Drunk On The Beach In The Middle of the Day, (although not by myself) and it's pretty much everything I hoped it would be, except that my stomach is not feeling all that great. It's time to go eat some dinner.

We get into my ex's car. They get into the front seats. I get into the trunk. This is New Experience #2--I've never been locked in a trunk before. It's kind of fun, until the driver of the car starts intentionally swerving around and wailing on speed bumps. I yell at her to stop, and I'm waiting to get out when I notice something that makes me laugh: There is a door handle inside the trunk, lit up in glow-in-the-dark green. The fact that Volkswagen actually thought about this scenario and added this feature makes me laugh a good, hearty chuckle and feel better about the state of mankind.

Note to Mafia types--Volkswagen Passat is not the car for you or your business.

So we arrive at the restaurant in Capitol Hill, the estimable Pho' Cyclo. If you've never been to a Pho' restaurant, Pho' (pronounced "Fuh") is a Vietnamese soup consisting mainly of noodles, broth, and various types of boiled meat. The menu has two categories, "Pho' Beginner" and "Pho' Master". The first category is regular meats like sliced steak, chicken, etc. The second category is slightly stranger fare like "fatty flank" and "soft tendon". (I can only assume there is a secret 3rd category, "Pho' Supergrand Masterlord", that contains menu items containing less chicken and beef, more cat eyeballs and human genitals.)

I usually stick with the basic sliced steak, but since I'm slightly buzzed at the moment I order from the "Master" menu--Bring me fatty flanks and tendons! This would no doubt have induced the vomiting my stomach so desperately desired by this point, but it never got the chance, because immediately after ordering I decided I would be more comfortable hanging out in the restroom for a while. So this became the climax of my Memorial Day memories. Me, in the Pho' restaurant restroom, singing death-metal vocals into the porcelain microphone. So, all in all, it was a Memorial Day I'm glad I won't have much memory of.

ISAAC, MEMORIAL DAY IS A HOLIDAY IN HONOR OF OUR SERVICE MEN AND WOMEN IN THE ARMED FORCES, PAST AND PRESENT, EFF WHY EYE.

Oh is that it, Blue Space? Thank you for reminding me. I can always count on you to remind, correct, and contradict me.

YOU ARE WELCOME, ISAAC.

I'm not totally sure you're correct on this one, though, to be honest...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU DON'T BELIEVE MEMORIAL DAY IS IN HONOR OF AMERICAN SERVICE MEN AND WOMEN?

No...I'm pretty sure it's not, I'm pretty sure Memorial Day is in honor of...Sea Vampires...

SEA VAMPIRES.

Yeah...because of all they've contributed to this nation? Not only do they keep the Pirate population under control, but think of all the other services they provide.

SUCH AS WHAT, ISAAC?

Well, there's the obvious ones, like search and rescue--

BUT THAT HARDLY COUNTS, ISAAC, SINCE THEY ALWAYS VAMPIRIZE THE PEOPLE THEY RESCUE--THAT CAN HARDLY BE CALLED A SERVICE.

Yes, well, that may be true, but would you rather be a drowned corpse, or a healthy happy Sea Vampire, roaming the open seas, staying active in your community, wearing high-collared capes? Think about that, Blue Space.

...

That's what I thought. So, listing them off, there's Pirate control, search and rescue, message-in-bottle delivery...they kick up waves for surfers, they clean algae off the undersides of boats, they popularized Water Wings in the 80s...

VERY WELL, ISAAC, YOUR POINT IS TAKEN. NEXT TIME I AM IN WASHINGTON I WILL TALK TO A FEW OF MY FRIENDS IN CONGRESS AND SEE WHAT THE WHITE HOUSE'S STANCE ON SEA VAMPIRES IS.

Let's not forget they're also considered a delicacy in many cultures, and their bone marrow produces some of the finest chocolate in the world...

WELL, THEY ARE CERTAINLY AN UNDER-REPRESENTED MINORITY GROUP, ISAAC. MEMORIAL DAY MAY BE FAIRLY SET IN STONE AS A CELEBRATION OF AMERICAN MILITARY HISTORY, BUT WE MAY BE ABLE TO FIND ANOTHER DAY FOR THE SEA VAMPIRES.

Good, Blue Space, thank you. So, Washington D.C huh? Did you actually get elected congressman or whatever back when you were doing all that?

I AM A SENATOR, ISAAC. SENATOR BLUE SPACE.

Wow, so you actually beat out Pablo McDougal? That guy had serious charisma! And the votes of both this nation's key ethnic demographics: Latino and Irish...

PLEASE LETS NOT SPEAK OF HIM, ISAAC. HE LACKED POLITICAL EXPERIENCE, AND HE WAS AN ASSHOLE.

Alright, well that's not necessary...

OHH. I AM PABLO MCDOUGAL. I DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE. HELLO FOR ALL GREETINGS TO BEEN A HOLE FOR ASS, DID YOU KNOW? YES. WELCOME AGAIN FOR EVERYONE THAT IS ME. BLAH. BLAH. BLAH.

Wow, that's a pretty good impression, Blue Space. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...

HE IS NOT MY FATHER!

Alright, well we should go now. Goodnight, readership.

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