McDonalds has taken its latest step to turn the entire population of the earth into greasy, spherical cattle.

I went to McDonalds yesterday because while most of their flavored, scented foam rubber food products make me ill, there is one item, one single precious item, that I enjoy a great deal, and always have. That item is the Sausage McMuffin With Egg. (Not to be confused with the Sausage McMuffin, which is decidedly not With Egg.) The Sausage McMuffin With Egg consists of a greasy, salty, tangy sausage patty, a slice of American Cheese (processed dairy food gel) and a perfectly round disc of placenta-like egg-matter, sandwiched between two halves of an English Muffin.
These ingredients somehow add up to far more than the sum of their parts, increasing in flavor exponentially as they are combined, increasing and increasing until they reach Ultimate Flavor.

The SMWE is delicious.

Occasionally, in emergency situations where I don't get a chance to eat breakfast at home before I leave for work, I will stop in and get a SMWE. Yesterday I did this, and when I asked for 1 Sausage McMuffin With Egg, the voice on the intercom asked me:

"Just one?"

Well yes of course just one, who could eat two of these greasy beasts?

Then she tells me, "It's cheaper if you buy two."


"How much is two?" I ask.

"Two dollars."

"How much is one?"

"Two twenty."

Goddamm it Mcdonalds what are you trying to pull here? What could your motivation possibly be for making it so that no one in their right mind will ever only buy 1 SMWE, even if they know they aren't going to eat that second one? This goes even beyond the concept of the "2 Apple Pies for 1 Dollar" thing because those are 75cents each, but the SMWE is actually MORE EXPENSIVE to buy one than to buy two.

This seems to indicate that the leadership of McDonalds is not just a bunch of evil corporate types sitting around scheming ways to make more money, they are in fact actually, blatantly evil supervillains scheming ways to actually, literally destroy the world, in active, literal, blatant ways. Apparently they don't care which method works...either everyone will buy 2 and throw one away, causing the whole world to overflow with uneaten, rotting sausage and eggs, spreading stench and disease across the globe, or people actually will start eating the second one, and finally everyone in the world will become morbidly obese and oozing with salty, sausagey sweat.

The madness of this company...one is never enough. Two of everything. Two pies, two SMWEs, they even hit you with their radio commercials in sets of two, bludgeoning you, bludgeoning, bludgeoning...

Here's a little scene from the hit television show "Family Guy" that illustrates what the world might look like when McDonalds is done with it...


  1. I feel uncouth writing here: I don't know you, I know your bro, thus I know your band, and somehow (who the hell knows how, it's the internet) I was linked from some page to another to another to yours one late unsleepable night....However, your "about me section" is very inviting to comment (I think your forgot to post your SSN) and thus I yam.... All I wanted to say is that you seem hilarious, possibly genius.

  2. I hate MCDONALDS!!!! I went there yesterday for the first time in a few months because I didn't have any food in the house and I was in a hurry. I drive up the the order thing and see this amazing looking Southwest Chicken Sandwich. I was strong enough to order just the sandwich. No 76oz of cola or a bag of potatoes stuffed inside a piece of cardboard, Just this amazing juicy looking southwest chicken sandwich. I was so hungry that I ripped open the paper and tooka huge STICKY DRY BITE!! There was nothing on this chicken sandwich. I swear to god it was a bun, a pickle, and a dry piece of fried chicken breast. I almost choked. My teeth were covered in rubbery bun. I wish I would have purchased the 76oz of cola.

  3. look u selfish, lowlife fiends only hate mcdonalds because it is the largest food chain in the world, so if it were KFC or Hungry Jacks were the worlds largest foodchains then u would be saying shit about them, there is nothing wrong with mcdonalds u have been taken injto this stupid idead that mcdonalds can do this and that, get it into ur system mcdonalds is a good place u wankers

  4. An exaggerated truth. yeah mcdonalds is a terrible place to go if you want to have even a reasonably healthy diet, and It is very likely run by moral-less greedy tycoons (how else could it be the #1 fast food restaurant) who use a clown to make the place seem warm and inviting BUT, i think its unlikely they want to rule the world. unless having billions of dollars and oodles of influence around the globe is like.. ruling the world. i think they are just manipulating the world. Its a choice to go to mcdonalds, we do not live in an authoritarianism, sorta.

  5. I hope all the fast food and pop(soda) companies go out of buiness.

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  7. I have an idea on how to save the world... When you get the second one, save it for later, maybe the next day.

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  9. Hey action jackson you are about an ignorant piece of mcdonald loving shit in the planet.You should really go back to school you dumb ass. Im sorry your momma fed it to you when you were little no wonder your so such a goddam retard brainwashed fat sick son of a bitch. I bet your a 300 pound lard and look like patrick on the family guy.