So, I got to rifle through someone's wallet today. It was a fascinating experience. See, I went to a store called Wal-Mart to buy a blow-dryer because I realized that a blow-dryer is the best possible hair drying situation for me, now that my hair is all long and shaggy like some kind of badass indie rock horse. Isn't it cool how horses actually have hair? I mean all animals have fur, of course (although some, such as reptiles, choose to shave it) but horses actually have HAIR, like they have their fur, and then on their heads they have hair, like a human being. And it's always all swoopy and sexy, like they just came out of Paul Mitchel's "The Experience" lifestyle salon. No wonder girls love horses so much. Anyway, back to the topic at hand--
I went to Wal-Mart to buy a blow dryer, because I figured it was the only place I could get a complex electro-mechanical device for less than 10$, and because I couldn't think of any local, mom&pop blow-dryer shoppes that I should be supporting.
So, I buy my blow dryer, in a rather homoerotic shade of teal, and go back to my car. On the hood of my car, there's a big fat wallet. My first thought is that somebody hit my car, and rather than leave a phone number or insurance info, they left their whole wallet. But that didn't make any sense. So I pick up the wallet and start rifling through it for information and/or money.
No money in it, but there's is a wrist-load of cards. (Since "assload" doesn't really make sense as a unit of measure, I've decided to start just arbitrarily choosing random body parts when I need to say there's a "---load" of something. Be informed.) What can we understand of this man, Mr. Wayne Hawkins, from his card collection? He has 3 debit cards. 1 Macys card. He has 1 Spencer's card, and one Hot Topic card. Yes, he shops at Hot Topic and Spencer's Gift and Novelty Shop often enough to warrant a store credit card. And most frightening of all, Wayne has Fifteen espresso stand punch cards, all from different stands. This guy must drink like a mother effer. No wonder he dropped his wallet on the hood of my car, I'm surprised he can even walk straight.
So, I found his drivers license (oh yeah, that's how I knew he's Wayne Hawkins...or maybe I just knew? Hm.) which had his address on it. So, since I am a good, honest citizen, and since I was hoping for something interesting and story-worthy to come of it, I drove to the guy's house and gave him the wallet. He accepted it. He said thanks. I left.
What a waste of time.