10/28/2007

A CLOSER LOOK AT AN ANCIENT PROFESSION - LOBSTER TRAINING IN THE 21ST CENTURY

COMMON EQUIPMENT AND ATTRIBUTES OF THE CERTIFIED LOBSTER TRAINER




1. OUTBACK BUSH HAT - Not technically necessary for this trade, nevertheless a traditional element of the Lobster Trainer's ensemble

2. STEELY GAZE - Essential for "breaking" new lobsters, which are often wild and unruly and respond aggressively to signs of weakness or uncertainty. It is essential that the Lobster Trainer maintain firm eye contact at all times during these early phases of training, in order to establish dominance.

3. EYE PATCH - Although deeply rewarding, lobster training is by nature a hazardous profession.

4. DUCK CALL (unseen beneath scarf) - A whistle used to call or signal the lobster in various ways, both during training and in the home. A duck call is used because it is the type of call most similar to the lobster's own vocalization, since lobsters evolved from ducks.

6. LEATHER GLOVE - Protects the trainer's hands from minor lobster-related injuries, although it is a mostly ineffective defense against the lobster's actual claws, which can cut through steel.

7. HOOK HAND - Although deeply rewarding, lobster training is by nature a hazardous profession.

8. CONTROL ROD -Used to guide the domesticated lobster when walking it in public places. In this case the rod has been given red stripes to double as a "sight-impaired" indicator, as this particular lobster also serves as a seeing-eye animal for its partially-blinded trainer. This relationship is unique, as it is the first known case of a seeing-eye animal being the very same animal that caused the disability, but as pet lobsters continue to gain mainstream popularity, it will surely not be the last such case.

9. TRAINED LOBSTER, "PINCHE" - This fully domesticated lobster, dubbed "Pinche", is over 17 years old, and has been in its trainer's family since birth. Although generally mild-tempered and affectionate, Pinche, like all lobsters, is a powerful, mysterious animal, and must be treated with caution and respect, or serious harm may come to its human companions. Increasingly aware of this danger, the FAC has implemented a law requiring all lobster owners to carry a registered firearm at all times, to be used to destroy the lobster in the event that they lose control of their pet.

2 comments:

  1. And of course the question is dying to be begged: What is Attribute Number 5?

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  2. 5. - INABILITY TO COUNT. Statistically, most of the great lobster trainers in history have not known how to count. Although the reasons for this are unclear, many believe it is an acquired attribute that helps the trainer cope with the inevitable loss of fingers. I.e, since he can not count, he doesn't know what he's missing.

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