I recently leased a small cat. This cat was found on the street by two friends of mine, and since they couldn't keep it, I asked if I could borrow it to see how I liked pet ownership, under the conditions that I could return it within 30 days with proof of purchase. No one even knew if it was a Tom cat or a Tanya cat for a while, until we discovered balls. Cat's have the strangest anatomy. Did you know this guy's penis comes out of a little hole right below his anus? I mean, it's facing toward the back of him…I can't even imagine the contortions that must be necessary for making sweet sweet kitty love. Does it work kind of like the "Snake Light" from Black and Decker? Oh, and also their penises have BARBS on them. That's right, barbs, like, hooks. Take a moment to think about that, ladies. Or don't.
Anyway, all disturbing, Lovecraftian anatomy aside, this cat, a mid-adolescence kitten, was pretty cute, so I took him home. I had him for something like 2 weeks, and believe me, dear readers, I gave the relationship a chance. But this cat…is completely bipolar obsessive compulsive schizophrenic crazy.
There were times when he was just a nice soft kitty, laying around on the couch, purring…and then suddenly, without warning, his head jolts up, tilts to the side with stiff, birdlike movements, his pupils narrow to tiny slits, and he explodes, running around the room pouncing and clawing like his fur is on fire. He is insane. He is an insane cat. He is possessed by the Devil. The cat devil. Do you think animals go to human Hell, or do they have their own Hell? Are there ever mixups where humans are sent to animal Hell and animals are sent to human Hell? I see a good sitcom in there. Pixar should start doing animated sitcoms about animals in hell. Anyway, allow me to list a few of kitty's crimes against my household:
1. Running around like a demon-possessed gasoline-soaked burning cat
2. Relentlessly assaulting house plants, knocking pots off shelves, chewing leaves, digging potting soil onto the floor
3. Clawing couches, legs, and dangling genitals
4. Sleeping on my bed, waking up at and pouncing on my face, clawing my face
5. Shredding paper towels, shredding toilet paper, forcing me to re-roll the roll, leading to the unsettling sensation of wiping myself with…..used toilet paper…
6. Having a shrill, grating meow like a pubescent teenager
7. Moaning wretchedly every time he was about to poop, like a constipated old homeless man in a public restroom stall.
Kitty went nameless for most of his stay here. At one point I considered naming him Flushy, after an incident in which I was brushing my teeth and he suddenly dashed into the bathroom, jumped onto the toilet, slipped into the toilet, jumped up and grabbed onto the flush trying to climb out, pulled the flush, and spun into the toilet bowl, leaving me speechless with amazement as I grabbed him out just before he was sucked away to Sewertown. Flushy had a nice ring to it. But ultimately, since he was being called this all the time anyway, he was dubbed Little Fucker.
I thought that it would be nice to have a pet around the house mainly to ease the crushing silence and emptiness of a bachelor pad. Sure I have friends, and maybe even a girlfriend from time to time, but there's still a lot of time in between when the apartment can feel stunningly empty. During those times it was nice to have a furball to wrestle with, but then there were the times where I wanted to write stories, or play music, or paint paintings, or cook dinner, or tie my shoes, or put my pants on, or use the toilet, and L.F and his razor sharp claws of justice would be there to stop me. A constant whirlwind of frantic motion in my periphery vision, burrowing into my already distressed psyche, clawing at it.
People say that having a pet is like having a child. I found that to be true, except this was all the inconveniences of having a child without any of the classic benefits, like free house labor, or HOV lane access.ISAAC, YOU HAVE A SERIOUSLY MISGUIDED VIEW OF WHAT HAVING CHILDREN IS ALL ABOUT.
Do I? Am I leaving out the true meaning of selfless love, caring for another living thing, the joy of raising up a beautiful little human being?
NO. YOU ARE FORGETTING THE TAX WRITE-OFFS, THE CHANCE TO LIVE OUT YOUR DREAMS VICARIOUSLY, AND SCORING CHICKS IN PARKS, PUBLIC PLACES, ETC.
Yeah well...keeping the cat actually could have provided me with all of those benefits. Except tax write-offs I guess. What if I got someone pregnant and they gave birth to a cat? That'd be weird wouldn't it?
THAT WOULD BE WEIRD.
Has that ever happened, Blue Space? You've been around a while. Are there any cases of women in their mid-twenties giving birth to cats?
NOT THAT I KNOW OF, ISAAC.
Hm. That's too bad. That would be kinda cool.