12/24/2007

HOLIDAY GREETINGS FROM EVERYONE THAT MATTERS

Alternative greetings to "Merry Christmas"


Happy holidays!

Pleasant winter!

Enjoyable solstice!

Fun time!

Good happenings!

Happy happy day!

Wheeee!



Merry Christmas, readership. To celebrate the holidays, all my employees have made their own very special holiday specials. Blue Space has written you all a poem. Care to read it, Blue Space?

THANK YOU, ISAAC. MY HOLIDAY POEM IS ENTITLED, "HLDYPOEMdrft2.doc"

AHEM.

CHRISTMAS TIME IS A TIME FOR SHARING
A TIME FOR LOVE AND A TIME FOR CARING
CHRISTMAS TIME IS A TIME FOR TEARING
OPEN CHRISTMAS PRESENTS YOU MAY HAVE BEEN GIVEN

JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON
THE SEASON ISN'T FOR NO REASON
IF YOU SAY IT IS YOU'LL BE TRIED FOR TREASON
GIVEN THE CURRENT POLITICAL CLIMATE UNDER THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION

SANTA CHRISTMAS IS THE MAN
WHO GIVES OUT PRESENTS FROM HIS VAN
ONCE SOME SMART KIDS TURNED AND RAN
BUT DIDN'T GET VERY FAR, AS IT TURNED OUT






….




…Is that it?

THANK YOU.

Ok, great. Thanks Blue Space. Very festive. Next we have something from an old friend of mine, or rather a young friend, we haven't heard from him in a while because he was placed in foster care for a few months because of some issues at home involving drug abuse, regular abuse, and homelessness, but apparently he's back with his mom now and doing great. Allow me to reintroduce my 7 year old main-man, Danny Elfman! (no relation to the film composer.)


Hi Isaac! I made a drawing for Christmas! Do you want to see my dinosaur?




Your drawing is of a dinosaur?


No my drawing is of Christmas! Look I have a dinosaur!




Wow, Danny, that's a great little tiny plastic dinosaur, did you get that from a gumball machine?


No my mom gave it to me for Christmas!





Wow, did she get it from a gumball machine?



No, she always keeps the stuff she gets from gumball machines and doesn't ever let me play with it. She found this in the parking lot of the government place!


You mean the DSHS office?



I don't know but I like dinosaurs! She said if I take really good care of this one she might get me another one next year! Or maybe just take this one away for a while and give it to me again next Christmas, but she said I won't know the difference!


Well your mom's a very nice lady isn't she Danny? Do you want to share your drawing with us now?



Ok! Mom doesn't like it when I draw or play with toys in the house, she says I can only play outside but it's sooooo cold! Last time I tried to play with my GI Joes I got so cold that I fell asleep and then I got really sick and had to go to the special hospital where all the Mexican people go and you have to wait a long time. So I drew this when I was in the bathroom so she wouldn't see--don't tell her! Ok look!




That's beautiful Danny. Really creates a warm sense of home.

Finally, although he couldn't be here with us in person today, our good friend Senator Pablo McDougal has sent us a little holiday cheer, a Christmas greeting in the form of a little video of his seasonal musings. Let's see it, Pablo!



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12/12/2007

MY ADVENTURES WITH HEALTH

I used to scoff at health. I was your typical twenty-something bachelor, subsisting mainly on frozen pizza and Taco Bell. I drank very little water, I hardly ever slept, and I maintained a diet rich in sodium, preservatives, and trans-fats. In relatively recent times, I have turned my life around. I gave up Freschetta and fast-food, I drink gallons of bottled water, I get…well…some sleep, I eat balanced nutrition, I even take vitamins. I must feel vastly healthier, my life must be completely revolutionized, right?

There is no discernible difference.

That's right. For all my troubles, all the inconveniences, added expenses, and flavor sacrifices, I really don't feel much better at all. Still just about equally tired, still get sick about equally often…the only thing I have to show for all this effort is Multivitamin urine the color of antifreeze.

Is health a myth? A hoax? Is the whole health movement just an elaborate placebo? Even if there is some difference, does it even come close to equaling out the amount of extra energy spent on living healthy? I don't know what the mathematical formula is, but there needs to be some kind of cost/benefits analysis here.

Cost of Living Healthy:

Giving up the tangy, salt-soaked heaven of Freschetta pizzas

Countless hours lost by home-cooking meals from healthy ingredients

Eating the exact same thing (beans and brown rice, fruit and spinach smoothies) for almost every meal

Extra cost of buying vitamin supplements and healthy food as opposed to the cheap and convenient Four Food Groups of Taco Bell (Nasty Beans, Nasty Meat, Bleached Flour, Nacho Cheese Food Paste Product)

Giving up most forms of Fun in order to go to bed early

Benefits of Living Healthy:

Slightly less general nausea

Neon pee

Maybe a study needs to be done to determine if we should even bother. I've never heard a discussion of whether or not being healthy is really all it's cracked up to be. There are plenty of conflicting health reports being released all the time—"Chocolate is Good For You!"/"Chocolate is Bad For you!", etc—but where is the report declaring "HEALTH MAY BE BAD FOR YOU!" ?


GETTING SHOT MAY PREVENT CANCER

Getting shot, long thought to have serious impact on overall health, may in fact help prevent cancer, according to a new study by the FDA. The study found that people who had been shot by any type of gunpowder-based weapon, from handguns to high-powered rifles, had significantly lower chances of being diagnosed with cancer than people who had not been shot. The study examined a wide range of statistics, dating from the present back to World War II, during which the majority of Americans had been shot, and cancer rates were at their historical lowest. The link between cancer and getting shot was not entirely clear, although some researchers speculated that bullet-lead may be quite high in antioxidants.



By the way, in our last poll, "Which Cultural Element is Making the Strongest Case for the Imminent Downfall of Society?", the winner by a landslide was "The absorption off all music and popular culture into Hip Hop / R&B".
What does this mean, exactly? Is that culture causing a negative impact on the rest of society, or is society just eagerly diving into that pond because it's the easiest, simplest, most digestible route for our generally dumb culture? Discuss.



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12/06/2007

NEWS: SEA VAMPIRES SPEAK OUT AGAINST PIRATE OVER-HARVESTING


The Sea Vampire community has launched a nationwide protest against the U.S Coast Guard and other forms of marine-based law enforcement, claiming that the constant patrol of coastal waters has seriously reduced the population of pirates, the Sea Vampires primary source of prey. While Sea Vampires once thrived in the pirate-rich waters of America's west coast and various South American coastlines, the pirate population has shrunk immensely in the last two centuries. This, the Sea Vampire community claims, is largely due to law enforcement efforts they consider "excessive" and "irresponsible".




"We would like to send a wake-up call to the U.S government that this kind of unsustainable harvesting of sea-based criminal elements can not continue unchecked without serious consequences for the Sea Vampire community, and thus the oceanic ecosystem at large," an un-named representative said during a press conference Tuesday, speaking through an interpreter who he psychically controlled with a finger embedded in the spinal column. "We realize that pirates and other hostile sailing groups can be dangerous to their respective socio-biological climates if allowed to over-populate, but some kind of balance needs to be achieved or Sea Vampires will be forced into either extinction or land-based predation."


The possibility of dwindling marine habitats forcing Sea Vampires onto land has been a longstanding fear of both humans and Sea Vampires alike, as the lack of access to pirate prey would likely result in Sea Vampires expanding their diet to include regular humans. Sea Vampire advocacy groups fear that such a shift to widespread consumption of law-abiding humans unaffiliated with marine crime organizations could do irreparable damage to public perception of the Sea Vampire community, reviving old stereotypes, and further blurring the line between generally peaceful Sea Vampires and their more militant, extremist counterparts on land.

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12/01/2007

MY ADVENTURES WITH KITTY

I recently leased a small cat. This cat was found on the street by two friends of mine, and since they couldn't keep it, I asked if I could borrow it to see how I liked pet ownership, under the conditions that I could return it within 30 days with proof of purchase. No one even knew if it was a Tom cat or a Tanya cat for a while, until we discovered balls. Cat's have the strangest anatomy. Did you know this guy's penis comes out of a little hole right below his anus? I mean, it's facing toward the back of him…I can't even imagine the contortions that must be necessary for making sweet sweet kitty love. Does it work kind of like the "Snake Light" from Black and Decker? Oh, and also their penises have BARBS on them. That's right, barbs, like, hooks. Take a moment to think about that, ladies. Or don't.

Anyway, all disturbing, Lovecraftian anatomy aside, this cat, a mid-adolescence kitten, was pretty cute, so I took him home. I had him for something like 2 weeks, and believe me, dear readers, I gave the relationship a chance. But this cat…is completely bipolar obsessive compulsive schizophrenic crazy.

There were times when he was just a nice soft kitty, laying around on the couch, purring…and then suddenly, without warning, his head jolts up, tilts to the side with stiff, birdlike movements, his pupils narrow to tiny slits, and he explodes, running around the room pouncing and clawing like his fur is on fire. He is insane. He is an insane cat. He is possessed by the Devil. The cat devil. Do you think animals go to human Hell, or do they have their own Hell? Are there ever mixups where humans are sent to animal Hell and animals are sent to human Hell? I see a good sitcom in there. Pixar should start doing animated sitcoms about animals in hell. Anyway, allow me to list a few of kitty's crimes against my household:

1. Running around like a demon-possessed gasoline-soaked burning cat

2. Relentlessly assaulting house plants, knocking pots off shelves, chewing leaves, digging potting soil onto the floor

3. Clawing couches, legs, and dangling genitals

4. Sleeping on my bed, waking up at 3 am and pouncing on my face, clawing my face

5. Shredding paper towels, shredding toilet paper, forcing me to re-roll the roll, leading to the unsettling sensation of wiping myself with…..used toilet paper

6. Having a shrill, grating meow like a pubescent teenager

7. Moaning wretchedly every time he was about to poop, like a constipated old homeless man in a public restroom stall.

Kitty went nameless for most of his stay here. At one point I considered naming him Flushy, after an incident in which I was brushing my teeth and he suddenly dashed into the bathroom, jumped onto the toilet, slipped into the toilet, jumped up and grabbed onto the flush trying to climb out, pulled the flush, and spun into the toilet bowl, leaving me speechless with amazement as I grabbed him out just before he was sucked away to Sewertown. Flushy had a nice ring to it. But ultimately, since he was being called this all the time anyway, he was dubbed Little Fucker.

I thought that it would be nice to have a pet around the house mainly to ease the crushing silence and emptiness of a bachelor pad. Sure I have friends, and maybe even a girlfriend from time to time, but there's still a lot of time in between when the apartment can feel stunningly empty. During those times it was nice to have a furball to wrestle with, but then there were the times where I wanted to write stories, or play music, or paint paintings, or cook dinner, or tie my shoes, or put my pants on, or use the toilet, and L.F and his razor sharp claws of justice would be there to stop me. A constant whirlwind of frantic motion in my periphery vision, burrowing into my already distressed psyche, clawing at it.

People say that having a pet is like having a child. I found that to be true, except this was all the inconveniences of having a child without any of the classic benefits, like free house labor, or HOV lane access.

ISAAC, YOU HAVE A SERIOUSLY MISGUIDED VIEW OF WHAT HAVING CHILDREN IS ALL ABOUT.

Do I? Am I leaving out the true meaning of selfless love, caring for another living thing, the joy of raising up a beautiful little human being?

NO. YOU ARE FORGETTING THE TAX WRITE-OFFS, THE CHANCE TO LIVE OUT YOUR DREAMS VICARIOUSLY, AND SCORING CHICKS IN PARKS, PUBLIC PLACES, ETC.

Yeah well...keeping the cat actually could have provided me with all of those benefits. Except tax write-offs I guess. What if I got someone pregnant and they gave birth to a cat? That'd be weird wouldn't it?

THAT WOULD BE WEIRD.

Has that ever happened, Blue Space? You've been around a while. Are there any cases of women in their mid-twenties giving birth to cats?

NOT THAT I KNOW OF, ISAAC.

Hm. That's too bad. That would be kinda cool.

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