1/31/2008

BLINDING RAGE!

Just gonna let it go here for a moment. Ahem.

Why the hell are there so many jewelry store commercials? Ben Bridge, Jared, E.E Robins, Shane Company, International Jewelers, Weisfield, why the eff do I know the names of every single jewelry store in the state of Washington even though I've never bought a piece of jewelry in my life? Commercials for this stuff are so ubiquitous on the radio you would think that jewelry and engagement rings are a basic staple of everyday life, like beans, rice, flour, water. This couple in the commercial says, "We made the decision to shop at Jared. And we will continue to shop at Jared!" Are people really buying diamonds like groceries??
Come on, people!

And hey, widescreen TV owners. Before you invite me over to watch an important film on your TV, go outside and look around. Does the full moon rise looking like a squashed ellipse? Observe the people walking by. Do any of them have heads that are over two feet wide and shaped like a football? Do you see any 5 year old girls built like wide-shouldered linebackers? No! Because unless you're living in some kind of psychedelic nightmare universe scored by slowed-down and reversed Beatles songs, this is not reality, so fix the damn settings on your goddamn TV! Come on, widescreen TV owners!

And transit buses—get your fat asses out of my lane! Whose idea was it to build buses two feet wider than the actual street? Every time I have to pass a bus--which is already a frightening experience when they stop abruptly in the middle of traffic to pick up some lonely straggler off the sidewalk and I have to either dramatically swerve around them or sit and wait 5 minutes while an obese 60 year old schizophrenic bongo player crawls onboard—every time I pass a bus it's a faceoff with annihilation as I have to dodge around the bus's huge birthin' hips and squeeze past with barely an anorexic inch between the bus, myself, and the hurtling dumptruck in the oncoming lane. Get thinner, buses! You damn buses! Come on you damn buses!

ISAAC, HERE. DRINK THIS.

What?

DRINK THIS. IT WILL CALM YOU DOWN.

This is coffee!

YES.

Coffee doesn't calm me down, Blue Space, it winds me up!

THIS CUP OF COFFEE CONTAINS A POWERFUL SEDATIVE THAT WE USED TO ADMINISTER TO VICTIMS OF COMBAT STRESS DURING WORLD WAR I. I THINK YOU WILL FIND IT QUITE SOOTHING. IT'S EFFECTS ARE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE EQUIVALENT OF ONE CUP OF COFFEE.

You had sedatives in WWI? I thought medics back then were only trained to chop off limbs and stick hot irons in your eyes.

ISAAC, I AM TRYING TO HELP YOU RELAX.

I am perfectly relaxed, Blue Space! Conjuring up everything that annoys me and ranting about it is how I unwind at the end of the workday.

ISAAC, BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOUR WELL-BEING I HAVE WRITTEN YOU A RELAXATION HAIKU, WHICH I SUGGEST YOU MEMORIZE AND REPEAT TO YOURSELF WHENEVER YOU ARE FEELING AGITATED. HERE IS MY HAIKU, ENTITLED, "rlxhaiku4.txt"

PEACE, BROTHER, WORKED UP OVER NOTHING

BE AS THE REED IN WIND, BLOWN BUT NOT BLOWN AWAY

LIE ON THE GROUND, SLEEP FOR SEVERAL HOURS

WAKE UP, EAT BREAKFAST BURRITO

Blue Space that wasn't even close to being a haiku.

IT WAS A FREE-VERSE HAIKU. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MODERN POETRY.

By the way this sedative isn't doing anything. Probably because you used the opposite equivalent of one cup of coffee, and you put it in a cup of coffee.

IT IS NOT WORKING BECAUSE YOU DON'T BELIEVE. NATUROPATHIC MEDICINE IS BASED ON FAITH, ISAAC. FAITH, AND MAGIC.

FAITH IN MAGIC.

Please don't get me started on naturopathic medicine, Blue Space. I'm already too relaxed as it is, if I start talking about Zicam and Waxy Cold Lozenges and the whole world of Medicine That Doesn't Do Anything…I might slip into a coma.

11 comments:

  1. Wow. The Bus and the Wide Screen remarks are plain ignorant. I love you btw.

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  2. Is this the same Anonymous that was busting my chops about the brand name thing? It looks like I have an official heckler. Please do explain what's ign'nt about those comments?

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  3. "Anorexic inch" had me laugh out loud at work right as my boss was walking by. I had to make up something about reading a funny e-mail about the price of copper fluctuating or something. Thanks for the great poem, Blue Space.

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  4. because wide screens are adjustable and are pretty much better than 3:4's. Among other things, wide screens are more natural; our peripheral vision only works sideways. Wide screens are also more visually artistic.

    Though buses need to be wider than most vehicles, they are not wider than a lane. Frequent stops are necessary.

    You might as well bash the traffic lights, pedestrians, and complicated audio systems.


    Just elaborating like you asked me to.

    I know you're likely only half serious about the rants.

    I enjoy reading the blog and all of your stories. :)

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  5. The comment I posted on January 31st was my first comment btw.

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  6. I know widescreen TVs are adjustable, that's why I was imploring their owners to ADJUST them. Movies are shot in widescreen, and play with letterboxing on normal TVs. The whole point of widescreen TVs is that you can eliminate the letterboxing and have the original aspect ratio use all the screen space, like a theater screen. But so many owners of widescreen TVs don't understand this, and they somehow have the TVs set so that you still have letterboxing, and the image is squished downward to fit. Half the time people don't even seem to notice or care but myself, it drives me nuts. I can't watch a movie that way, it makes my eyes go crazy.

    And the buses, yessss I know they're not actually WIDER than the lane, that was an exaggeration, but they are damn near the exact width, and when you're on a narrow road it leaves you ZERO margin for error. I do a lot of driving, it's my full time job, and this is a constant source of peril for me. Sooner or later I'm going to wiggle a little and either scrape the side of the bus on my right or get smeared by on oncoming vehicle on my left.

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  7. Blue Space makes everything more entertaining.

    Hopefully no one tries to steal him from you, too.. That'd be a shame.

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  8. Just finished listening to your Dead Children album and thought it was awesome. The lyrics inset, the little cardboard box, all the art was pretty cool. And I got a kick out of the return address. And the music was alright, too.

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  9. I've always wondered about the jewelry stores. There are the ads that imply (or outright state) that giving expensive jewelry to your wife is how you show her you love her, and will make her love you always. I'd be really worried about a couple that saw diamonds as a major proof and expression of their love. I can think of far better things I'd like from my husband, that don't come with price tags attached.

    If I ever manage to afford a widescreen TV, then I'll worry about how to adjust it correctly. But, I do promise I'll do so. ;)

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