Car troubles.
The old jalopy overheats downtown, the gauge is in the red, I wake from my semi-conscious commuter reverie to the sound of boiling water and the sugary smell of hot antifreeze.

I pull over, pop the hood, and do the thing where you stand there in the rain with your hood open looking very distressed, and people drive by and laugh.

I take an Aquafina bottle and collect rainwater from a drainage gutter, then add it to my parched radiator. I drive to Jiffy Lube and say "Dude, WTF."

Dude says, "Dude, you need a radiator flush because of magical coolant problems you've never heard of because I just made them up. It'll be $99.99."

I shrug and say, "Do it, dude. Do your thing. Make it happen."

I sit in the waiting room and read Motor Trend. It's sad reading articles about the newest Rolls Royce model while waiting for your dying decrepit Hyundai to come out of surgery. Everything in this Rolls Royce is made of superluxe materials. The engine block is oiled mahogany. The gas tank is Corinthian leather. The belts are the cured sinews of English lords.

Bullshitting Lube Dude finishes the job. I pay him and drive away. 5 miles from the shop my car is boiling again. I pull over in the parking lot of a Vet Clinic, appropriate since my car is wheezing and hissing like a cancerous cat. I do the open-hood staring-at-engine thing again, and I'm right next to the biggest intersection in the area. The city has a hearty chortle at my expense.

I have to wait for the car to cool down before I can add coolant, and I'm starving, so I leave the beast there and run across the street to Kidd Valley for some quick carbs. I come back with a bag of piping hot French fries, set them in the car, and go to work filling the radiator with antifreeze. When I'm done, I set the funnel on some trash in my car, and go back out to clean up. I call Jiffy to give Bullshitting Lube Dude a piece of my mind.

"Dude your engine advice sucks."

"Yeah, sucks all the way to the bank!"

"I'm gonna call your manager. I'm gonna have your job on a platter."

"Suck it, customer guy. I'm the Lube King. What are you the king of?"

I have no comeback for this, so I hang up and go sit in my car. I realize that the trash I dropped the slimy funnel into was actually my bag of fries. So this is how I find myself sitting in my car at night in the rain in a Veterinary parking lot, sifting carefully through a bag of French fries for the ones that aren't coated in anti-freeze.

Earlier today I read about how if you do radiator flushes yourself you need to make sure you don't get any coolant on the ground because dogs will lap it up and die. I guess I probably shouldn't eat these fries. But I'm starving.

Has anyone before me ever played high-stakes Russian Roulette with a bag of fries? Surely this situation is unique to history.

(P.S, I am disabling the email notification function. Things aren't working out between us. So you're just gonna have to bookmark this place. My deep-ass apologies.)


  1. yeah I noticed I wasn't getting those emails anymore.. haha I liked knowing when you posted without having to check your page.. it made things simpler.. haha

    I'm sorry about your car, and the 'Lube King' ripping you off.. You should go vandalize his face..

    You should have gotten a Honda.. Ok, not really. I only said that because my word verification is junda and it made me think Honda for some strange reason.

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  3. Isaac you crazy bastard...my axel broke this weekend, right in the middle of the parking lot. It's a shame that people were in enough of a hurry to park that they honked at my abandoned car to move out of the way. It's also a shame that all tow truck operators are big, burly bears of men that I cannot intimidate into cheaper prices.

  4. Dude, you're the king of awesome. Seriously.

  5. Man... reading this was like one bad LSD flashback. Couple weeks after I got my Jeep, transmission DIES. Leaves me stranded, right by a busy intersection. I pay head-exploding amounts of money to fix it, and lo and behold? One week later, I'm stranded again. This time, however, in a cornfield. I quickly decided that I prefered the company of the cow that was chewing by my bumper to the laughing spectators of the city.

  6. You are effing brilliant. You should be published. You should be doing book tours. You should be reading to sold out concert halls.

    I had to pluck my adoration away from David Sedaris and hand it to you.

    I think you were the victim of the latest Jiffy Lube scam. CAUGHT ON TAPE! by a news investigation team charging people for work and not doing it.


  7. Wow Akamai, thank you so much! People like you inspire me to keep at it.

    And--oh my God. The Jiffy Lube thing. I'm in shock. Thanks for the heads-up!

  8. Brilliant post and nice comments, anyways, does that really happen? engine exploding because of too much heat? I tried getting the engine to overheat but not yet to explode.