Just gonna let it go here for a moment. Ahem.
Why the hell are there so many jewelry store commercials? Ben Bridge, Jared, E.E Robins, Shane Company, International Jewelers, Weisfield, why the eff do I know the names of every single jewelry store in the state of Washington even though I've never bought a piece of jewelry in my life? Commercials for this stuff are so ubiquitous on the radio you would think that jewelry and engagement rings are a basic staple of everyday life, like beans, rice, flour, water. This couple in the commercial says, "We made the decision to shop at Jared. And we will continue to shop at Jared!" Are people really buying diamonds like groceries??
Come on, people!
And hey, widescreen TV owners. Before you invite me over to watch an important film on your TV, go outside and look around. Does the full moon rise looking like a squashed ellipse? Observe the people walking by. Do any of them have heads that are over two feet wide and shaped like a football? Do you see any 5 year old girls built like wide-shouldered linebackers? No! Because unless you're living in some kind of psychedelic nightmare universe scored by slowed-down and reversed Beatles songs, this is not reality, so fix the damn settings on your goddamn TV! Come on, widescreen TV owners!
And transit buses—get your fat asses out of my lane! Whose idea was it to build buses two feet wider than the actual street? Every time I have to pass a bus--which is already a frightening experience when they stop abruptly in the middle of traffic to pick up some lonely straggler off the sidewalk and I have to either dramatically swerve around them or sit and wait 5 minutes while an obese 60 year old schizophrenic bongo player crawls onboard—every time I pass a bus it's a faceoff with annihilation as I have to dodge around the bus's huge birthin' hips and squeeze past with barely an anorexic inch between the bus, myself, and the hurtling dumptruck in the oncoming lane. Get thinner, buses! You damn buses! Come on you damn buses!
ISAAC, HERE. DRINK THIS.
DRINK THIS. IT WILL CALM YOU DOWN.
This is coffee!
Coffee doesn't calm me down, Blue Space, it winds me up!
THIS CUP OF COFFEE CONTAINS A POWERFUL SEDATIVE THAT WE USED TO ADMINISTER TO VICTIMS OF COMBAT STRESS DURING WORLD WAR I. I THINK YOU WILL FIND IT QUITE SOOTHING. IT'S EFFECTS ARE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE EQUIVALENT OF ONE CUP OF COFFEE.
You had sedatives in WWI? I thought medics back then were only trained to chop off limbs and stick hot irons in your eyes.
ISAAC, I AM TRYING TO HELP YOU RELAX.
I am perfectly relaxed, Blue Space! Conjuring up everything that annoys me and ranting about it is how I unwind at the end of the workday.
ISAAC, BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOUR WELL-BEING I HAVE WRITTEN YOU A RELAXATION HAIKU, WHICH I SUGGEST YOU MEMORIZE AND REPEAT TO YOURSELF WHENEVER YOU ARE FEELING AGITATED. HERE IS MY HAIKU, ENTITLED, "rlxhaiku4.txt"
PEACE, BROTHER, WORKED UP OVER NOTHING
BE AS THE REED IN WIND, BLOWN BUT NOT BLOWN AWAY
LIE ON THE GROUND, SLEEP FOR SEVERAL HOURS
WAKE UP, EAT BREAKFAST BURRITO
Blue Space that wasn't even close to being a haiku.
IT WAS A FREE-VERSE HAIKU. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MODERN POETRY.
By the way this sedative isn't doing anything. Probably because you used the opposite equivalent of one cup of coffee, and you put it in a cup of coffee.
IT IS NOT WORKING BECAUSE YOU DON'T BELIEVE. NATUROPATHIC MEDICINE IS BASED ON FAITH, ISAAC. FAITH, AND MAGIC.
FAITH IN MAGIC.
Please don't get me started on naturopathic medicine, Blue Space. I'm already too relaxed as it is, if I start talking about Zicam and Waxy Cold Lozenges and the whole world of Medicine That Doesn't Do Anything…I might slip into a coma.