I got lunch today at a grimy little Mexican migrant taco bus in the Rainier area ghetto, and they were playing Boards of Canada’s Music Has the Right to Children album on their little stereo. No, not really, but for a second I thought they were. Can you imagine?
Later, I was walking on the street and stopped to tie my shoe. I’m a guy whose shoes come mysteriously untied all the damn time. I don’t know if I’ve ever in my life seen someone else stopping on the street to tie their shoes, but I do it all the damn time. I don’t understand it. Very annoying. I bent down to tie my shoe, and noticed a little skirmish taking place in miniature on the sidewalk, a little ruckus, a kerfuffle if you will, between several ants and a grub of some kind. The ants were gathered around and on top of the grub just whaling on it, just kicking this grub’s ass, and the grub was doing its defensive manuever/dance move that involves it pretty much just thrashing back, forth, back, forth, sorta writhing on the ground in a gyrating motion that I could imagine being potentially sexy on a different body type, like maybe something with limbs. And as I watched this battle take place, this little frou frou, I considered intervening to break things up, as I didn’t really like the idea of multiple ants ganging up on a fat fleshy turd that doesn’t even have limbs. But then I realized that I probably didn’t like whatever nasty species that grub was going to turn into anyway, so I just walked away.
Spring is coming, people...time to get prepared...
STEVEN AGUILAR COLOURED COMMENTARY:
"Haagen-Daaz has a new flavor--I am not making this up--Vanilla Honey Bee. Sounds delicious right up to the Bee. There's a little note on the carton: "Honey bees are disappearing and no one knows why. We're donating to Honey Bee research." I know why. YOU'RE CHOPPING THEM UP AND PUTTING THEM IN ICE CREAM. You think I'm going to buy your ice cream now? It's endangered AND unsafe. What if i bite into a stinger? This is the same reason I stopped eating chocolate covered Bengal Tigers. "
I'm in a visit and the mom has the kid's socks off.
"Look at your feetsies!" she says. "Gimme your feetsies! Gimme some feetsies! Let Mommy have some of your feetsies!" She tickles his feet and pretends to bite them. "Mommy's gonna eat your feetsies! Let Mommy eat your feetsies!"
This is cute, but the thing is…say "feetsies" out loud. Say it a few times. Maybe slur it a little. Getting a different picture now?
Disturbing. I think I'll plug my ears now.
Anyway, on that note, I want to tell you all what's up with me right now, since people are always looking at me like "What is up with that guy?"
(NOTE: The following section is only for people who give a damn about me or my future. If that's not you, go here)
What I am doing right now is mainly writing, at the expense of any and all social activity. Here's the thing in a nutshell---Through random luck and the healing power of the Internet, I recently made some contacts in the entertainment industry, and I currently have the attention of a potential literary agent and a major
I have a novel called The Inside that I wrote a couple years ago. It is fully written but needs some severe editing and revising, so it has been collecting dust in my computer for years while I fritter my time away on music and painting, with the occasional short story popping out between distractions. Now I'm buckling down and getting to work. I have picked up The Inside again and am already 2/3rds of the way finished editing it. So, there won't be any new short stories for a while, but I expect to be finished with The Inside by early April, and once it's done, it will be available here on the site and also probably in a short-run print version. And hopefully, with luck, it will impress the powers that be enough to get my foot jammed in the massive oak-and-brass door of the publishing industry.
You can see progress updates and a little teaser for The Inside HERE
And as if that business wasn't all-consuming enough, I'm also in the early planning stages of a short novel based on "I Am a Zombie Filled With Love". Yes, a novel. Zombie culture is rich with tradition, music, and exotic cuisine. We have much to learn from them, and it's high time their story was told.
P.S In case you're slow--- Feces.
Judging by the sudden severe drop in traffic to this blog, it appears that my harmless family-friendy little hydro-colonic story squeezed a large chunk of readership right out the back door. When did you all everybody get so sensitive, huh? You got a tube up your butt or something?
Anyway, I'm pretty busy lately working on revising my novel The Inside, so rather than leave the colonic blog sitting there on the top of the page for weeks like some impacted fecal matter, I decided to write something sweet and clean and fresh-smelling to possibly counteract the offense created by that entry, and woo back some of my dainty readers. So I wrote you all fairy tale, with princesses and unicorns and sugar and spice. No poo anywhere in this story, honest to Gob Bluth. Here we go.
The Story of the Fairy Queen-Size Princess Prince Fan
Once upon a time in some totally foreign country like Iraq but with unicorns instead of guys with beards there was this really fat princess named Princess who was a huge fan of Prince, incidentally, even though this was in castle times and Prince hadn't been invented yet and also music hadn't either. She wore pink dresses all the time because all girls like pink because it's what color their pee pees are, even in castle times, and she never watched TV because they didn't have TV yet, or even movies. The closest thing they had to TV was looking out the castle windows at flocks of sheep, and they called that "watching Castle TV". So when someone said "I'm gonna go watch Castle TV", you would know what they meant and you'd know they were really just looking out the window.
One day Princess realized that she was tired of being so fat so she decided to start exercising. But they didn't have exercise in castle times, because no one needed to exercise because in castle times they got exercise just by standing there holding huge awesome swords, and there were no gyms or anything and everyone was super buff and hot just by being born and being alive.
So Princess didn't understand what was happening to her because she was the only fat person at that time in history and no one understood that, so she got depressed about it and ate ice cream and watched Castle TV all day, which made her even fatter in a vicious cycle. Oh also, she was a Fairy, it says so in the title of this story, so she had wings, but she couldn't fly because she was too fat and because fairies aren't even real.
This was castle times so of course there were some unicorns and what a lot people don't realize or don't want to accept about unicorns is that most of them play bass. They're really good at it too, like they can play crazy hard stuff but also be really tasteful, and ALL of them can do it, so it was a problem because between the human musicians and all the unicorn bass players there were way more bass players than guitarists or drummers, so it was very hard to put bands together, and a lot of bands started appearing with two or three bass players and no drummer. This is why there were no really important rock albums until the 90s.
One day Princess went to a live show of one of the biggest bands in the world which was an all-unicorn and all-bass band, there were five members and they all played bass, so the music was kind of confusing, especially because they all played electric bass but electricity or bass amps hadn't been invented yet, so you had to listen really hard. When the lead singer and lead bass-player of the band (he even sang in bass) saw Princess, he knew she was born to be a star because she was one of those girls where you can see a really pretty face outlined inside all the fat, so he asked her if she wanted to be in the band. She totally freaked out and started making out with him right there, and after they were done making out and they shared a Salt Lick together (because afterall unicorns are still just horses, deep down inside) then Princess agreed to join the band. She had this idea to take a Snare Drum, which were used as cereal bowls in those days, turn it upside down and hit it with a stick to make percussion sounds, which was totally revolutionary at the time, and so she became the first Drummer in castle times, and was a huge influence on bands like Daft Punk in the future. So the band got even more popular and Princess and the unicorn lead singer and bass player got married but couldn't have kids because it would be weird if they did it, and they lived happily ever after, except eventually they both died.
On another note, in a bizarre turn of events, my hit-single short story, "I Am a Zombie Filled With Love", has been translated into Portuguese by a very popular Bible-Satire blogger in
And on that same note, I need to start submitting this story to some short story magazines. Do any of you have any suggestions on what magazines or literary journals might be a good fit for this story? I've already tried McSweeney's, and I'm not sure where to turn from there.
Thnx k bye