I recently realized that the stuff I've been writing lately has really been more like poetry than narratives, and I decided I wanted to get back to real storytelling. So here we have my first full-length short story since "Loud Neighbors", damn near 8 months ago! Wow.
As a memoir written in southern dialect by a man who creates diseases for a living, it's not exactly a "return to form", but I had a great time writing it.
Over the course of last weekend, I did a lot of moving of objects to and fro about my apartment. You see, I was having my carpets replaced. The old ones were very old. I had to trace back through legends and oral history of previous tenants to determine when they were last replaced, and the earliest record of them being there was sometime near the end of the previous century. They are the kind of carpets printed in that classic mottled brown style that thinks it's avoiding looking dirty by simply being printed that way to begin with.
In order to clear the way for the carpet guys, I had to haul every single object from my living area into the kitchen. Then, when they finished in the living area, I had to haul every single object from my bedroom into the living area. And then all back again. So I got to be intimately familiar with pretty much everything I own. One of the issues that plagued me often is the baffling properties of the common power cord. I realize I'm certainly not the first person to be driven near to insanity by the power cord's uncanny clinging and tangling abilities. But looking at these things, I just had to wonder...how did this come to be? Almost ALL power cords end in the exact same shape:
So exactly who's idea was this universal design? And why did they decide that these cords should be shaped LIKE A GODDAMN GRAPPLING HOOK???
You ALL know what I'm talking about. You've all struggled with this, trying to pull a power cord around a corner, watching it cling magically to everything in its path, somehow managing to hook itself on FLAT WALLS AND PERFECT SPHERES....
Could we get a little aerodynamics here? Could we soften these corners? Make them a little less grabby? Maybe redesign the cord itself, replacing whatever rubber we're using now with something a little less adhesive? Like, I dunno, INDUSTRIAL AEROSPACE GLUE???
My back still hurts a little, but oddly enough it's not from single-handedly relocating my upright piano three times....
Just image the physics of this situation...when a young man is coming out of a hardware store carrying a full size garbage can full of gallon paint cans and painting supplies, and he opens his car's rear door, realizes he can't get through now to put the can in the back seat, and is confronted with a choice---does he shut the door, move past it, and put the can in the back seat? Or does he heft the can up OVER the door and simply squeeze his body between the door and the neighboring parked car? Here is the equation I came up with:
Sudden Appearance of Hot Girl
My picture book Anna has just been delivered from the printers.
Look at her, isn't she beautiful?
I made 50 copies. I have 25 left.
Want more info? Want to buy a copy?
(If you are one of the beautiful people who pre-ordered, your copies were shipped Saturday morning.)