12/31/2008

Two things I thought about while Christmas shopping this year

1. Don’t wear a red shirt if you’re shopping at Target because people are going to ask you about bath and bedding and let's face it you have no idea which aisle that shit is in.


2. You know how department stores will have a set of entry doors, and one of them is automatic and one is manual? What not two automatic doors? They couldn’t afford two automatic doors? These international retail chains couldn’t spring for one more electric door on their billion dollar megastore? The architect just couldn’t sell the CEO on this idea?


“You want doors that do WHAT?”


“Open on their own, sir. Automatic doors.”


“Why the hell would anyone need that?”


“People are going to be going through these doors with a lot of bags in boxes, shopping carts, children, automatic doors make it much easier to get in and out.”


“Sounds expensive.”


“Not really, sir. They run on electricity. It’s 2008.”


“Alright pencil pusher, you can have your doors. But only ONE per store! We’re not running the World’s Fair Expo here.”


That has to be it, right? I can’t think of one possible reason someone would PREFER manual doors. Are they put there just for old-fashioned folks who insist on opening doors for ladies no matter what? Even when it’s extremely awkward and impractical and the door opens inward and you have to jump in front of them and lean way in and try to inch out of their way and make a big scene? And speaking of that what’s the protocol for opening doors for dudes? Is it ever expected? When a dude opens a door for me, I experience an uncomfortable pause before I realize I’ve just been vaguely emasculated, and then dart quickly through the door to minimize the duration of the awkwardness. If I ever lose my arms, though, like maybe in a swordfight or a luge accident, please do open the door for me, even if you're a dude, or even if you're a lady. That would be nice, especially if it’s a pulldoor, because I could probably open a pushdoor without having any arms, but a pulldoor? Not so much. Not so much.

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12/27/2008

Things everyone wants for Christmas but never gets



Future technology (anti-grav boots, flying skateboards, pizza pills, etc)

Beneficial genetic mutations (vampire teeth, pockets in skin, cupholders, functional extra arm)

Video game machines that make video games go so much more awesome

Like a shit-ton of money

Gift card to that store in the mall that sells swords and knight stuff

Gift card to the bank for buying money

A world where everything is fun and people are made out of chocolate

Doggie

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12/22/2008

Ideas for Solving the Economic Crisis

Ideas for solving the economic crisis:



Get consumers spending again by having someone make a really awesome new thing that everyone will want.


Bail out the auto industry, but only on the condition that they develop a flying car by 2012 because that was supposed to happen a long time ago dammit.


Convert currency from dollars to chocolate gold coins because those have inherent value.


.

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12/21/2008

Love and a Towtruck

I wrote a new song. Like "Girl on the Internet", this is another of those "just for the hell of it" songs. Wrote and recorded it this weekend while trapped in my apartment by a massive snowfall. It's my way of striking back at the elements.

P.S Sorry I suck at piano. : (


http://www.myspace.com/isaacmarionmusic

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12/20/2008

My brother's autobiography!

Many of you people know my brother: noted community organizer, supporter of the arts, and international dance sensation, Nathan Marion. His inspiring life story has been the subject of countless articles, dozens of documentaries, several unauthorized biographies, and three slightly fictionalized biopic films. (Step Up, Step Up 2: The Streets, and Stomp The Yard.) But this is the first time we've been able to hear the REAL story, straight from the man himself.




CANT STOP DANCING:
The Nathan Marion Story

By Nathan Marion


CAN'T STOP DANCING is the quintessential American story, full of hope, optimism, and sexy dancing. Born into poverty in Haiti, no one ever expected Nathan to get out of the slums. But after a run in with local law enforcement gets him deported to America, he discovers hip-hop dancing on the streets of Brooklyn, and his life is changed forever. As he practices relentlessly to be the best street dancer in New York, he finds himself out of cash and out of luck, forcing him to go to the Mob for help. Things look bleak as Nathan sinks deeper and deeper into a tangled web of crime, but his indomitable spirit and irrepressible love of dance win over the local Mafia boss, who agrees to give Nathan ten of his men to form a dance troupe and join the upcoming national dance competition. The only catch--the rival team in the competition is the NYPD! It's cappos VS coppers in the dance brawl of the century. Can Nathan Marion help the police department and organized crime overcome their differences through the power of dance? The answer will leave you breathless, in one of the most gripping, poignant true stories in American history.

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12/19/2008

Dear Overly Expressive Coffeeshop Guy...

...how I wish you were not sitting one spot down from me.

You are alone at your table, but your exaggerated body language, sharp movements, loud sighs, chuckles, and mutterings carry on a boisterous, one-sided conversation with everyone else in the room.

The math homework you're working on might be a riveting dramatic novel by the way you grunt and go bug-eyed and violently adjust yourself in your seat.

Do you have so little going on in your own head that outer stillness horrifies you? Or are you just desperately forcing yourself into our awareness in the hopes of being noticed and--somehow--befriended?

Oh Overly Expressive Coffeeshop Guy, how I wish you had taken your meds today.

.

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12/15/2008

Densely Packed Children

You know how when you see those big mobs of little kids being herded across the street like tiny hairless cattle? Are those daycare groups on their way to the park, or an illegal child-stealing operation bringing shipments of children to a sausage plant where they make illegal sausages out of children? You would think that kind of thing would be illegal.
But if it’s not illegal I think the daycare workers should definitely wear cowboy hats, and be riding horses. And if a kid got too far out of line, instead of saying something like “Hey, get back in line!” they would do that thing where they throw the lasso around them and then tie their hands and feet together and sling them over their shoulders, cowboy style. That would be a daycare that teaches kids about the realities of life.


(For the next few updates I'm going to include my WARM BODIES promotion at the bottom, so it doesn't get buried. I really want to this book to go.)



So my friends, we are coming down to it. Reports from my test readers are coming in, I'm working on the edits, and everything is on schedule to have this book written, printed, and beautifully bound by January 2009. Keep in mind I can ONLY PRINT 100 COPIES, so if you really want to read this book, I encourage you to PREORDER NOW. Unfortunately, as much as I like you and all, I won't be able to reserve or set aside copies for anyone, I just can't afford to risk it, so it's going to be first come first serve.

That said, I love you all very very much, and can't wait to share with you the world I've been living in for the past 8 months. Merry Christmas.

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12/13/2008

WARM BODIES official trailer!

You know me. I don't let a little censorship and family outrage slow me down. After having my teaser trailer axed and pulled offline by the offended father of the kids I filmed, I have gone back to the drawing board, and created another one. This one is not a teaser, this is the full length official promo for WARM BODIES. Think of it as the back of a book jacket, but more fun, and with less drooling hyperbole by the publisher. Enjoy...



So my friends, we are coming down to it. Reports from my test readers are coming in, I'm working on the edits, and everything is on schedule to have this book written, printed, and beautifully bound by January 2009. Keep in mind I can ONLY PRINT 100 COPIES, so if you really want to read this book, I encourage you to PREORDER NOW. Unfortunately, as much as I like you and all, I won't be able to reserve or set aside copies for anyone, I just can't afford to risk it, so it's going to be first come first serve.

That said, I love you all very very much, and can't wait to share with you the world I've been living in for the past 8 months. Merry Christmas.

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12/10/2008

SHUT IT DOWN!

Well friends, it's finally happened. My first (probably first of many) run-in with censorship. Yesterday I posted a video trailer for my book, WARM BODIES, on Youtube. It featured a lonely zombie wandering through a deserted city while a soft Frank Sinatra ballad plays on the soundtrack, attacking a living person, and then offering some leftovers (a severed arm) to his two children. The arm was played by a plastic prop I bought from a costume store, and the children were played by my kindergarten niece and nephew. Their parents are divorced and they live with my sister. My sister saw this video for what it was--a whimsical, sad, slightly funny vignette promoting a life-affirming book about zombies. My brother in law, though, as the parent of the kids in question, saw it differently, and was very disturbed by it. So I had to take it down. So, no more book trailer. Sadface. But oh well, I had another, longer one in the works anyway. Stay tuned.

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12/08/2008

12/07/2008

Your Face

Some bad things that happened to me this week:



1. I got a dry cough that feels like a bird is building a nest in my lungs.

2. I tried to take a nice relaxing bath, only to remember that I'm 6 foot 3 and can fit in no mortal bathtub.

3. I kept a movie from Blockbuster too long and was thus forced to purchase and own The Incredible Hulk.



Some good things that happened to me this week:



1. I heard some great new "Your Face" jokes from the kids I work with.


4 Yr Old Kid: You ain't the boss a me!

Dad: Yes I am! You ain't the boss a ME!

Kid: Well you ain't the boss a your FACE!


and my favorite so far...

(6 yr Old and his 11 yr old sister are sitting down at table to eat dinner)

Sister: Hey, we ain't got no cups!

Kid: You're FACE ain't got no cups!




.

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