A Conversation We've All Had



"Hey Trixie, how are you?"

"Oh hey Newt, I'm great, how are you?"

"I'm great too!"


"So are we still on for seeing that movie tonight?"

"You bet, Newt!"

"Great! Then maybe afterwards we could go have a few drinks and..."

"Well actually I was thinking afterwards we could go attend this really long and arduous performance-art show that all my old friends from school are going to be at. I've been really wanting to catch up with all of them and reminisce about old times and tell inside jokes, but don't worry, I won't hassle you by introducing you to any of them, you can just hang out on the periphery of our talking circle and gaze around the room while holding a drink cup high up on your chest for frequent sipping. It will be fun!"

"Hmm, well...."

"Keep in mind I'm really attractive!"

"Well...ok! I do have to work really early tomorrow morning, but life's short, what the hell, I'll go."

"Great! Don't worry, we can't stay out that late anyway because I have plans later with my live-in boyfriend who I'll be having sex with tonight after you and I finish getting buzzed and happy and having a great time."

"Oh. Ok sure, no problem, sounds good--oh but you know what? I forgot, shoot, I have to work really early tomorrow morning, so I probably shouldn't go."

"Oh, that's too bad! It's not because I said I have a serious boyfriend and nullified the whole premise of why you're spending your Saturday night with me is it?"

"No not at all, it's just, you know work and everything,
and I'm really tired and stuff."

"I don't know why I said that, about me having a boyfriend and being totally unavailable, it just slipped out. Sorry. It would have been much better if I'd waited till after the flirtatiously exhausting evening was over and it seemed like we were really hitting it off and and were about to go back to your apartment and make out and then start a really exciting new relationship. That way, when my phone rang and I answered it and said, "Ok babe, just wrapping up, I'll be home in ten minutes!" and then abruptly gave you a hug and told you to have a good night, we could at least have already burned up a lot of time and energy on a pointless interaction!"

"No it's no problem, I'll just stay home tonight and take a few naps and then go to sleep so I can get up early for work tomorrow. Talk to you later, Trixie!"

"Bye Newt! Call me soon so we can keep in touch for no reason!"



  1. What a coincidence, I had this conversation last night.

  2. I haven't had it in a while but it has happened. And wasn't his name Eduardo yesterday? Haha

  3. You caught me, Vendetta. I suddenly decided that Newt was a much funnier name.

    Sorry to hear that, Sean. Women!

  4. A classic twist on this is "Oh and also I'm gay, did I forget to tell you"
    Or for those of us who are already gay so as to avoid this situation, then: "Oh yeah and I'm straight"

  5. WooHoo!!! I wasn't losing my mind. Newt is a bit funnier though. =)

  6. I'm not going to lie.

    I've pulled the gay card about twice.

  7. You forgot to mention the part where he masturbates while sulking.

  8. This is one of my favorite jams that perfectly describes this situation - Biz Markie "Just A Friend". http://www.myspace.com/bizmarkie