1/27/2009

Secrets of the Universe Part 2 - BEES!

Friends, I have finished the semi-final draft of Warm Bodies, and the manuscript is currently being combed over by my editor, Laurie Webb. This means I have some spare time, so to celebrate it, I bring you....the long awaited second-installment of the SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE nature documentary series....

BEES!



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1/15/2009

New story - "Life Expectancy"

This is written almost verbatim from a dream I had last night.






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1/07/2009

What's Going on in 2009

Well friends, it’s 2009, Year of the Weinerdog, and we’re on track for a bright bright future full of peace and prosperity. Births are up, deaths are down, humans are taller than ever, the mutated genes needed to finally evolve wheels on our feet are in place, gerbil power is clean and affordable, the sun has been zoned for advertising, tap water has been flavored, we have beaten cancer, we have beaten head lice, and we’ve landed more exotic animals on the moon than any other country (monkeys, snow leopards, giraffes, winged cats).

On the downside of things, I guess there’s something going on with the economy, and also my book is encountering some delays. Many of you have already preordered WARM BODIES, so I regret to present this gloomy quarterly report to you, my shareholders, but hopefully none of you will panic. In my trailers and such, I said the book would be available before the end of January 2009. However, I’m currently still doing revisions, and it turns out my super-editor won’t be available to review the final draft until February 1st. So in the interest of transparency, here’s my approximate timetable:


Jan 18 – I finish my semi-final draft

Jan 19 – I finally get to sleep in and relax for a bit

Feb 1 – Laurie Webb begins review

Feb 7 – Laurie Webb gives me final notes

Feb 14 – I finish final edits

Feb 15 – I send the book to the printers

Feb 27 – The printers finish the book

Feb 28 – I ship the book to you!



I apologize profusely to all of you beautiful beautiful people who preordered. I will get the book to you as soon as possibly possible!

I really can’t express my surprise and gratitude for how well you guys have been responding, I’m not used to this kind of love! I’ve already sold over half of my entire print run, leaving just 48 copies still available. (hint hint)

Thank you bestfriends!


Here's a reminder of what it is we're talking about here:



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1/03/2009

A Conversation We've All Had


Riiing...




"Hello?"

"Hey Trixie, how are you?"


"Oh hey Newt, I'm great, how are you?"


"I'm great too!"


"Great!"

"So are we still on for seeing that movie tonight?"


"You bet, Newt!"


"Great! Then maybe afterwards we could go have a few drinks and..."


"Well actually I was thinking afterwards we could go attend this really long and arduous performance-art show that all my old friends from school are going to be at. I've been really wanting to catch up with all of them and reminisce about old times and tell inside jokes, but don't worry, I won't hassle you by introducing you to any of them, you can just hang out on the periphery of our talking circle and gaze around the room while holding a drink cup high up on your chest for frequent sipping. It will be fun!"

"Hmm, well...."


"Keep in mind I'm really attractive!"


"Well...ok! I do have to work really early tomorrow morning, but life's short, what the hell, I'll go."


"Great! Don't worry, we can't stay out that late anyway because I have plans later with my live-in boyfriend who I'll be having sex with tonight after you and I finish getting buzzed and happy and having a great time."


"Oh. Ok sure, no problem, sounds good--oh but you know what? I forgot, shoot, I have to work really early tomorrow morning, so I probably shouldn't go."



"Oh, that's too bad! It's not because I said I have a serious boyfriend and nullified the whole premise of why you're spending your Saturday night with me is it?"



"No not at all, it's just, you know work and everything,
and I'm really tired and stuff."




"I don't know why I said that, about me having a boyfriend and being totally unavailable, it just slipped out. Sorry. It would have been much better if I'd waited till after the flirtatiously exhausting evening was over and it seemed like we were really hitting it off and and were about to go back to your apartment and make out and then start a really exciting new relationship. That way, when my phone rang and I answered it and said, "Ok babe, just wrapping up, I'll be home in ten minutes!" and then abruptly gave you a hug and told you to have a good night, we could at least have already burned up a lot of time and energy on a pointless interaction!"


"No it's no problem, I'll just stay home tonight and take a few naps and then go to sleep so I can get up early for work tomorrow. Talk to you later, Trixie!"


"Bye Newt! Call me soon so we can keep in touch for no reason!"


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