7/28/2009

Kafka's Cookbook

When I moved into my apartment I took over the lease from my aunt, who left a lot of her old junk here when she moved out. Today I was glancing through the kitchen cabinets and a cookbook caught my eye. The spine reads:


MICROWAVE GOURMET HEALTHSTYLE COOKBOOK

The author is:

KAFKA

Intrigued, having read a little Kafka in my day and wondering what sort of recipes he would come up with, I pulled the book out.



Barbara Kafka.... Was it Kafka's wife? Or was Barbara just Kafka's cookbook pseudonym, since Microwave Gourmet Cooking was not a socially acceptable activity for Austrian Jews in the early 1900's? Either way, I was intrigued, and began to peruse the recipes inside. A couple particularly yummy ones:

Colony Noodles with penal sauce
"Place all ingredients in cooking Apparatus, with harrow set to inscribe 'Be Delicious'. Let sit for 12 hours."

Cockroach Tenderloin with alienated potatoes and shame sauce
"Transform tenderloin in large mixing bowl. Microwave on High until dead."

Some of the other recipes looked pretty good too, but they were left unfinished.

















Stumble Upon Toolbar

7/26/2009

Hector Shelfman's stupid trip to the Zoo!


Another blog by Hector Shelfman (no relation to the actor) who looks like me and has the same job and life as me, but isn't.



Today for work at my job where I work I went to a fucking ZOO!!!

Brought this dude's son to visit him in Rehab and the dude had TICKETS TO THE ZOO! So it's just me and this gigantic black dude and his 5 year-old son strolling along like a young gay interracial couple and their adopted and/or nanomachine child, out for a stroll through the Zoo! NOBODY COULD EVEN UNDERSTAND IT.

First things first I stopped at The Zoo Cafe to get a cup of Coffee, which did not come with a lid, and when I asked for a lid, they told me I COULDN'T HAVE ONE. No explanation was offered, so I have to assume they don't want me using the cup to COLLECT AND EXPORT MONKEY URINE for some kind of messed up experiment.

By the time I got my coffee, my client and his son--we'll call them JAFAR AND LATARIAN--had totally wandered out of sight. I looked left, I looked right, but they were lost in the crowd. My prisoners had escaped!

Striding frantically down the maze of Zoo paths, scalding hot coffee sloshing out of my lidless cup onto my tender, gentle hands, I scoured the Zoo for the escapees. HAS ANYONE SEEN A BLACK GUY? I shouted into the crowd, but no one had. The Sun Bears watched
me pace past them several times, and I could tell they were laughing at me and my plight.

Fuck you, Sun Bears. YOU'RE ENDANGERED.




Since I couldn't find Jafar and Latarian anywhere, I gave up and decided to just enjoy the Zoo for what it was: A Magical Wonderland Full of Animals That Are Weird And Also Some That Are Normal. For instance, the Zoo is in Seattle, Washington, but they have a whole area dedicated to Pacific Northwest animals, like Elk and Brown Bears and Grey Wolves. LIKE I CAN'T SEE THOSE ANYTIME I WANT TO.

Another boring animal that I noticed a lot of was Squirrels. They weren't even in cages! Why do I want to see animal that's not in a cage? They were just running around in the trees and pathways like it was no big deal, and I think that the Zoo is irresponsible for allowing this to happen because squirrels are dangerous and also I saw them hanging around inside the exhibits of the actual Zoo Animals, drinking out of their ponds and standing there distracting attention away from the animals who work hard to EARN that attention, and to me that is WRONG.

GO AWAY SQUIRREL. NO ONE FINDS YOU WONDROUS.

Finally I found Jafar and Latarian, cornered in a little pathway corner, gasping for breath. After recapturing them, I continued my Zoo Tour with them in tow. We decided we'd had enough of all these bullshit birds and insects and little small creatures---it was time to find the GOOD ANIMALS.

LIONS! GORILLAS! DINOSAURS!

As usual with Zoo experiences, we were disappointed. It was hotter than Africa today so the Lions were all sleeping in their cool shady caves like lazy pieces of shit. The gorillas were visible, but they just looked at us and didn't throw poop or masturbate AT ALL. And it turned out that all the guide signs saying RAPTORS This Way ---> were just referring to eagles and hawks and that sort of thing. AGAIN WITH THE BULLSHIT BIRDS!

One thing about birds that was interesting was the Flamingos. They were all standing around in their pond, just being pink and spiky-haired like a bunch of little bitches, and there was this one white Swan standing way far away from them all, with its face right up against the glass, just looking at us like "Get me out of this Flamingo pen! I don't belong in here! I'm a SWAN for chrissakes!" And you know what? He was right. But there was nothing me or Jafar or Latarian could do about it. So we just left him there. It was pretty messed up.

Another thing that happened that was pretty cool was that there were these two little girls walking around with a little Puppy in their arms, and this Zoo Staff Man walked by them and stopped, turned around, pointed at what was clearly, manifestly a Puppy, and asked, "IS THAT A PUPPY?"

"Yes," the little girls said, and the Zoo Staff Man pointed again at the tiny, fluffy, practically newborn Puppy and asked, "IS IT A SERVICE ANIMAL?"

"Huh?" the girls said, and then the Zoo Staff Man grabbed them and took them back to their mom and ejected them all from the Zoo, because of the Zoo's NO PUPPIES rule. Just another example of the ways in which society demonizes puppies, WHILE GIVING SQUIRRELS EVERY ADVANTAGE.

After that we just walked around until we were sunburnt and thirsty and since Jafar couldn't afford to buy Latarian any food the entire day, I took Latarian back to his foster home and Jafar went home to Rehab. ALL IN ALL IT WAS A GREAT DAY AND I HAD A LOT OF FUN AT THE ZOO.




















Stumble Upon Toolbar

7/25/2009

Chart #1

Stumble Upon Toolbar

7/24/2009

Ode to the 2009 Boombox Carrier






Respect the 2009 Boombox-Carrier!
A man so far behind the times, he's ahead of them.
He walks proud through the center of town,
Full-sized Samsung CD player in hand,
Rocking his jams of choice,
Choosing the choicest of jams,
So that we, the rest of the world, don't have to.

This is the man with the plan,
The man with the vision,
The man with the scraggle beard and sweatstained flannel.
No iPods for him, no Zunes or Zens or Gigabeats.
He likes his players like he likes his women:
Big and black, with deep woofers and nice tweeters.
He stands tall on the street corner, a rebuke to our era!
A reminder of the way things were!
He stands with a severe slouch, and drools gently.

We all dance as he shuffles past, sharing his love with us.
We dance not out of pity or mockery,
But because it's "Crazy" by Spears,
It's filling the downtown streets,
and to this we must respond.

No one sneers at 2009 Boom-Box Carrier.
This man has seen visions.
He's seen the future, and the future is not the iPod.
The future is a fifty pound "portable" stereo that runs on eight Ds
A brutal beast of a boombox,
Blithely blasting Britney at bewildered bystanders.

2009 Boombox Carrier gives us all a knowing nod,
and Carries his Boombox off into 2009.

He has made his point.



.





Stumble Upon Toolbar

7/23/2009

"Ted Flaps His Arms" - new story


UPDATE: The formatting issue is fixed thanks to the generous efforts of the badassly named Rachel Dachenbach. Should work on most browsers now. Many thanks to godlike master programmer RachDachBach!



Since my agent has converted Writing Week into Waiting Week, I used my idle time to write the following short story.

It's an experimental story using an experimental format. If you aren't seeing a "split-screen" columns layout, try another browser.




Stumble Upon Toolbar

7/18/2009

Hector Shelfman goes to Harry Potter

A blog by Hector Shelfman (no relation to the painter) who looks like me and has the same job and life as me, but isn't.


Went to see Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince last night. NOT ACTUALLY TWO MOVIES, as it turns out. That’s just how the title is.

Now I haven't read any of the "books" but I have followed the movies, somewhat reluctantly. Went with my friends Erin and Tara, who are devout Harry Krishnas. They were rebuked by their brethren for seeing it with a LUKEWARM FAN like me, but I told them since I was a non-believer, this was a good opportunity to witness to me. The Lord did not come for the healthy but for the sick, and whatnot. THAT SHUT THEM UP.

Since Tara was recently crippled in a HORRIFIC SCRABBLE ACCIDENT, we sat in the row at the bottom of the slope section because it has plenty of leg room for her to stretch her crippled leg, which was recently crippled in a HORRIFIC SCRABBLE ACCIDENT.

As it turns out, the row directly in front of us was the Reserved For Handicaps Row, reserved for people who need EVEN MORE LEG ROOM. Unfortunately for everyone else in the theater, in addition to CRAZY AMOUNTS OF LEG ROOM, many of these individuals also require FRIGHTENING MECHANICAL WHEELCHAIRS that swivel and pump and somehow extend up and balance on two wheels like a Segway for people who can't walk or stand or breathe!
Throughout the entire film, these machines were clicking and whirring and hissing so loudly I thought I had accidentally attended TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN. It was very bothersome during the QUIET, THOUGHTFUL, EMOTIONAL scenes between Harry
Potter and Dumbledor and Slughorn and Muggles and Hogwarts and various other unpalatable words that populate the Potter universe.

The noise of these disabled people's life support systems was seriously inconveniencing the movie audience!

I kept waiting for someone to go get an usher to come in and politely ask them to turn off their iron lungs for the remainder of the film, but NO ONE EVER DID.

The movie was actually very good and I liked it better than any of the previous ones. I heartily approve of the new direction taken by last couple installments, in which major conflicts are resolved by major characters taking actions that are actually relevant to the story, instead of by hastily introduced magical gadgets that neatly fix everything at the last minute, leaving room for the obligatory Quidditch match, which doesn't further the story but does provide the gang with some LIGHTHEARTED LEISURE ACTIVITY between sessions of being murdered by satanic warlocks trying to take over the world.



As you might guess, now that our heroes are entering their teenage years, this is a MORE MATURE, MORE ADULT Harry Potter film:

Athletes take performance enchancers! (They call it "Liquid Luck")

Children are taught how to use date rape drugs! ("Love Potion" does sound a lot nicer though...do you think the courts would agree...?)

And Harry proves that even though he has a small wand, he is still a TOP-TIER SEXUAL PREDATOR, as he racks up THREE LOVE INTERESTS in this film alone, making a grand total of FIVE CONQUESTS since the series began, if you count Hermione, which everyone should because SHE TOTALLY WANTS HIS HARRY BODY AND THEY ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER WHICH IS OBVIOUS TO ANYONE WHOSE JUDGEMENT ISN'T CLOUDED BY READING THOSE BOOKS THESE MOVIES WERE SUPPOSEDLY BASED ON.

But since "J.K Rowling" won't allow Hermione to fulfill her obvious longings, the poor girl decides to SETTLE, and develops an IMPROBABLE ATTRACTION to Ron Weasly, offering hope to all the world's awkward, unconfident, nice but intellectually shallow and emotionally clueless goofballs who long for a super-serious, super-intense, humorless, tear-stained tangle of emotions to call their girlfriend.

This dawning of sexuality in the Potterverse is portrayed by multiple scenes of GRATUITOUS SNOGGING, and dozens of shocking depictions of Quidditch, THE MOST UNAPOLOGETICALLY PHALLIC SPORT EVER:




All in all, an enjoyable movie that may even convince me to "read" the series in Audiobook form over the course of a year or so of driving. I am very much looking forward to the final two (or is it four?) films in the series: Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part One, and Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part Two, which should bring the epic saga to a stunning conclusion just before Daniel Radcliff's male pattern baldness becomes noticeable. It's even rumored that at least one of the several African American characters may get a speaking line somewhere in the final films, but this may turn out to be just another UNFULFILLED BARACK OBAMA PROMISE.


.



Stumble Upon Toolbar

7/16/2009

News on the next Star Trek movie




Breaking news from Celebrity TV Show and Amusingly Gay Cultural Commentor and Internet Buzz Website and Insider Leak Blog and whatnot:

Facing heavy criticism from family advocacy groups like CHILDREN MARRIED FAMILY ORG and moral watchdog groups like MORAL CHURCH RELIGION BIBLE, director J.J Abrams has decided to reboot his Star Trek franchise reboot with a more family-friendly cast:






Popular child-rock band The Wiggles will replace the first installment's edgy cast, in keeping with what Abrams describes as the new film's "creepier, more wholesomely pedophilic" new direction.
The role of Captain James T. Kirk will be played by the yellow shirt Wiggle, while Dr. Spock and Bones will be played by the two blue shirt Wiggles. In a virtuoso multi-role performance, red shirt wiggle will play the rest of the characters, including Lt. Uhura and the Starship Enterprise itself.


.

Stumble Upon Toolbar

7/11/2009

Cookies VS Holocaust

All the remaining copies of Warm Bodies are gone now, and as a result, I won't have to sell my bed yet. Wait that sounds like prostitution. I won't have to sell my couch. That's slightly better. Thanks guys. You keep my boat afloat.

Nautical metaphors! I must be writing this from a cabin near the ocean! Why yes, yes I am actually. Family vacation and whatnot. Two parents, four siblings, two nephews, two dogs, a niece, and me. One thing I've observed so far is that kids really have a small emotional range. It takes pretty devastating trauma to get me to cry or scream, but all a kid needs is to recieve the wrong flavor of juice. I wondered if this is just because they haven't experienced enough real trauma to give them perspective. If you think of it as a scale, with 0 being happy and content, and 10 being totally heartbroken, it makes sense that they would have a different boiling point based on what they've experienced so far. If the worst thing you've ever heard of was getting denied video games for a month, then that would become your 10, so maybe not getting a cookie when you really want a cookie would land an 8 or 9. Whereas an adult's 10 is maybe their wife's death or going through the Holocaust or something. So then not getting a cookie when they really want a cookie is something like a 0.3 on the scale, and causes zero tears or screaming. The obvious conclusion is that all children should have their wives killed and/or spend a year in concentration camps to gain perspective. Ok I'm going back to the beach now bye.

.

Stumble Upon Toolbar

7/06/2009

Panhandlin' (a few books left)


Hey guys. So, yeah, I'm gonna have to sell my last 4 copies of WARM BODIES. I had planned to hold on to a few to use as loaners, but I am pretty hard-up right now, so I'm going to have to cash out. I know this sounds miserly but I'm going to have to actually sell these at a profitable price---20$ instead of the former at-production-cost 15$. What can I say, I gotta eat, preferably not people...but don't put it past me.


So if there's still anyone out there who wants a copy (one of them is slightly worn from frequent shelving and unshelving---bonus surprise!) please Paypal me 20$ + 3$ shipping (23$! Lord!) to this de-spammed email address:

***redacted***

Thank you so much. I really love you people.


-Isaac


Stumble Upon Toolbar