6/09/2011

Fake Craigslist Ad To Vent My Frustration


APARTMENT FOR RENT!!! IN SEATTLE AREA (OLYMPIA)


Reply to: sale-376259264@craigslist.org
Date: 20011-05-11, 6:55PM PDT


HAVE APARTMENT FOR RENT IT IS A APARTMENT WHAT MORE DO U NEED TO KNOW. HAVE AT LEASE FOUR WALLS MAYBE FIVE PLUS FLOOR AND BONUS--CEILING! TRUST ME HAVE ALL THE WALLS AND FLOORS U NEED TO LIVE. COIN OP LAUNDRY AVAILABLE IN OTHER BUILDING ACROSS STREET. NO PETS NO SMOKE NO PAINTING WALLS NO LOUD MUSIC NO ORAL SEX. CALL FOR PRICE OF RENT!


PEOPLE KEEP ASK FOR PHOTOS OF APARTMENT BUT I DON'T SAY I HAVE CAMERA ONLY APARTMENT. IF YOU LIKE PHOTOS OF APARTMENTS FUCK YOU. ONLY PHOTO OF NAKED WOMAN WORTH BUY CAMERA. NO PIANO NO WATERBED NO DANCING NO COOK SPICY FOODS AFTER 10PM.  CALL ME NOW FOR SIGN 6 YEAR LEASE!!


(STREET PARKING AVAILABLE FOR 300$ MONTH FEE + U PAY METER)


CALL FOR PRICE OF RENT. (PRICE REFLECT 1 RESIDENT. ADDITIONAL RESIDENTS ADD 100$. TEMPORARY GUEST 50$ A NIGHT OR CALL FOR HOURLY RATE.) NO SUBLETTING NO HOUSESITTING NO PARTIES NO ONE NIGHT STANDS


SHOWING HOUSE JULY 1ST 4:00 AM - 4:15 AM, 20-30 PEOPLE EXPECTED. ALL PROSPECTIVE TENENTS GIVEN GUN AND KNIFE. WHOEVER DON'T DIE GET APPLICATION APPROVE.






PostingID: 376259264








Also, some more fake ads from the old days when Burning Building was funny.
MORE ADS I DID LONG AGO







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6/05/2011

A...story...of sorts...that I wrote a while ago.




OUR ROOM MATE SUSAN









“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“You look pretty trashed. Rough night?”

“I’m never drinking again.”

“Yeah, for the rest of the day maybe.”

“What’d you think I meant?”

“God, this place is a disaster. We need to clean.”

“Most of this is Susan’s.”

“Have you seen her yet?”

“Are you kidding? It’s only 11:30. She won’t be up for at least another two hours.”

“I’m getting real sick of this. Her shit is all over the house.”

“Let’s go wake her up.”

“Go for it if you want your hand bitten off. She’s a beast in the morning.”

“Yeah, probably not wise. I’ll wait till after she gets her cigarette.”









“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“So hungover.”

“Me too. I think I need to slow down; I never even left the house today.”

“Me either. Puked three times.”

“Shit.”

“Did you ever see Susan?”

“Nope. Her car’s here though.”

“This mac and cheese is sprouting mold, look at this.”

“Gross.”

“Well, I need to puke again. See ya.”

“Enjoy.”









“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Well today’s the day.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Job hunt.”

“Where you gonna start?”

“I don’t know. Probably just drive around and look for help wanted signs. They still do those, right?”

“Like I’d know?”

“It’s starting to stink in here. Where the hell is Susan?”

“I peeked in her room this morning. She’s in there sleeping.”

“When was that?”

“Like 12:30?”

“God. We should wake her up.”

“Be my guest.”

“You’re not going anywhere today are you?”

“Nah.”

“Make sure you catch her when she gets up.”

“Will do.”









“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“How’d the job hunt go?”

“Didn’t go. Got high and fell asleep on the couch. You were here all day, didn’t you see me?”

“I was in my room all day.”

“So we missed Susan again.”

“I’m not sure we missed her. Not sure she ever came out.”

“Jesus. I’m gonna wake her up right now.”

“Wow. I thought my room was messy.”

“It smells like shit in here.”

“She must have a dozen rotting sandwiches under all those clothes. I can spot three take-out boxes just on the surface.”

“I’m not going in there. It’s lethal even from out here.”

“Susan!”

“That’s not gonna work. She sleeps through everything. I was playing drums in my room for two hours yesterday and she didn’t even yell at me.”

“Fine. We’ll get her tomorrow.”











“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Man, what happened yesterday? I lost my phone in the couch and missed three calls from the admissions guy. Now I’m not gonna get in this quarter.”

“Sorry man.”

“What the hell did we do all day?”

“I don’t even remember. Watched TV?”

“Maybe it’s this house. All this fucking clutter gets into my head. I can’t focus.”

“Yeah, but it’s because we can’t focus that the clutter got there in the first place.”

“Shit. Chicken or egg scenario.”

“Exactly.”

“Where the hell is Susan?”

“Haven’t seen her.”

“Let’s go drag her down here and have a cleaning party.”

“I’m in, let’s do it.”

“Oh my God it stinks in here. How can she live with this?”

“Susan!”

“I told you yelling’s not gonna work. Go shake her.”

“I don’t even think I can get to her bed through all this garbage and clothes. I need a snow shovel.”

Susan! You’re gonna get bed sores!”

“Wow, look how thin her hair’s getting. There’s big clumps of it on her pillow.”

“She bleached it like four times last month trying to get the right color ‘cause she didn’t want to go to a salon. Her scalp must be permanently scarred.”

“Have you seen her go outside at all this month? Christ, it’s the middle of July and her face is paler than my ass.”

“I noticed that. Is she depressed or something? What’s her deal?”

“No idea. She’s a pretty philosophical chick, maybe she thinks all our efforts our meaningless.”

“She’s also pretty hip, maybe she thinks people that try are trying too hard.”

“Or maybe she’s just lazy.”

“Or all of the above.”

“God, there are actually flies buzzing over her. Look at that.”

“I need to get a picture of this.”

“The flies won’t show up. It’ll just be a picture of Susan in bed. Not exactly news.”

“Yeah. Well anyway, should we just tackle the mess ourselves? It’d probably only take like twenty minutes.”

“I don’t know, maybe.”

“Yeah. Maybe.”

“I'm gonna go lie down for a bit.”

“Okay. Me too.”


“See ya later.


“Later.









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