World's Longest Receipt
(Forgive me, post office employees...)
I would like to apologize profusely for being...what is it...over a month behind schedule? Most of you have been very gracious about the delays...a few of you not so much. To anyone currently pissed at me, what you have to understand is that you didn't buy a book from the Random House via the Amazon Corporation, you bought a home-made book from the author, hand-packaged by the author and shipped out of the author's apartment. Furthermore, it was a pre-order, with an estimate of when the books would be ready. The fact is, when you made your order...gulp...the book wasn't even totally written yet. Well, it was written, but not edited. And then I had delays of all varieties....an agent slow to give notes, a printer slow to print, a snowstorm that made them even slower...
Anyway. That's all behind us now. The books are on their way to your hot little hands. At least I assume your hands are hot, since most of you are generally hot people. I don't have a hand fetish or anything. Does anyone have hand fetishes? Why foot fetishes but no hand fetishes? Maybe since hands are already approved sexual instruments, lusting after them isn't really a fetish at all? Like having a vagina fetish?
Anyway. A few notes on the shipping process.
FIRST AND FOREMOST: I MIGHT HAVE FUCKED UP.
Due to the aforementioned unprofessional nature of this shipping process, the fact that it was all done manually via my Gmail inbox, without use of spreadsheets or record keeping of any kind, it's POSSIBLE that I may have missed your order. It's also possible I may have doubled up your order. I did the best I could, but I am only human, and a fairly confused, scatterbrained human at that.
FILING A GRIEVANCE
If you haven't received your package after an appropriate amount of time (see chart below) please email me at *****redacted****
If you receive more books than you ordered, please give the extras to a reader you think will appreciate them.
If you're inside the US, you should receive your book within 3-5 business days. (Please allow at least 7 days before assuming your order was missed.)
If you're in the US and you ordered multiple books, I had to ship Media Mail to avoid exorbitant overweight shipping costs, so you will get your book in about 7 business days. (please allow at least 10 days before complaining.)
If you're outside the US, you'll get yours in 5-10 business days. (Please allow at least 12 days before sending me to prison. You don't know what convicts do to authors...)
Please enjoy a good laugh at how comically oversized some of the envelopes are. That was due to me not understanding the concepts of width and length and ordering hundreds of mailers on Ebay without confirming they were an appropriate size for a tiny book. I do have some concern about how much the packages might slide around inside there, so if your book arrives all scuffed up, please forgive me. Think of it as a rustic, hand-made book. Shiny new books have no character, no soul.
THAT IS ALL. IF YOU ENJOY THIS BOOK, PLEASE WRITE YOUR CONGRESSMAN OR OTHER LOCAL REPRESENTATIVE AND REQUEST THAT IT BE PUBLISHED BY A MAJOR PUBLISHING HOUSE IMMEDIATELY.
NOTE: THERE ARE STILL ABOUT 100 COPIES AVAILABLE. BUY THEM AT WWW.THEHUNGRYMOUTH.COM