8/09/2012

Zombies Young and Old

A lot of you folks have been complaining about how "clean" Nicholas Hoult looks as R the zombie in the upcoming genre-bending horroromcom "Warm Bodies". You point to pictures of his veiny, black-lipped visage and declare "This is not what a zombie looks like!" You then point to pictures of oozing, desiccated lumps of maggoty flesh and declare, "This is what a zombie looks like!"


"THIS!"




"NOT THIS!"


I think you may be confused about how decomposition works. In order to help you understand this process, I'd like you to do a little experiment with me. Are you ready? Okay.

First, kill yourself.

Now, look in the mirror. Are your lips rotted completely off? Do you have yellow pus seeping out of your eye sockets? Are you missing the lower half of your body?

No. You still look pretty normal, right?

Ok, now let yourself rot for a week and look again.

Are your guts pouring out of your stomach yet? Or are you just looking a little pale? If you happen to be a handsome young Englishman with excellent bone structure, perhaps you look a little like Nicholas Hoult in the upcoming satirical zombie drama, "Warm Bodies". Lucky you!

Okay, now continue to rot for about a month. Your hair should be starting to fall out by now and you probably have some nasty stuff happening on your skin. Are you starting to look a little more like a "REAL" zombie now? Good! You just demonstrated some of the different stages of human decomposition. It's a shame you aren't imbued with the unknown mystical forces that cause a corpse to rise up and continue living as a fictional undead creature, because then maybe you'd be a little better preserved and possibly even handsome. But oh well! At least you learned something.


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22 comments:

  1. This is the BEST blog post I've read in a long time.

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  2. Well, I just killed myself and instantly turned into a very tattered and disgusting bloody mess.

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  3. I can tell from this post that I'll love this book :)

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  4. Nice post!
    Tired of people saying R is cute, therefore not a zombie.

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  5. At least the gross zombie up above is wearing a tie whereas R is not. Why a hoodie instead of the red tie?

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    1. Tiny artistic liberty. Don't tell me you liked the book solely because R still had his work attire.

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    2. I don't know. It gave him a little bit of an identity, especially since they seem to mention it all the time. I will miss the tie. But I will still watch the movie. The book rocked.

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    3. That would be a monumentally stupid reason to like the book. It was something I happened to notice once the stills of the movie started cropping up and curious why there was a need to change it when, as Erin mentioned, it was brought up so frequently in the book.

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  6. THIS, my dear sir, is the reason why I absolutely loooove your writing! Fuck the purists!

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  7. Dear Issac:
    Thank you for writing "Warm Bodies." The high school student who is helping me at registration for the new school year just told me all about the book. She loved it. Your book got a reluctant reader - reading. She is hoping that you will write a sequel soon. Thank you.
    Sincerely,
    Mrs. Riche

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  8. Ok! Let just imagine that you were not killed by a gun... But by a furious group with 5 or 6 zombies, biting and scratching . Let’s considerate that a zombie infection is inflicted by a virus, that could create collateral effects like, fever, necrosis and finally Death;

    Look yourself in the mirror now. How do you looks like?

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  9. Or...let's not considerate that. Because that is not the scenario that happens in this book/movie.

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    Replies
    1. Ok,first i will read the book.
      Then, i'll make my criticism;

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  10. What's always irked me with zombies isn't their various states of rottiness, it's shoes. Even after being ripped to shreds or bloating up like a drowned puppy, most zombies retain footwear. Hopefully there'll be a future trend in bare foot brain munchers.

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  11. THANK YOU. I have been trying to explain this to so many people, but you did it a ton better than me.

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  12. Unfortunately we do not live in a world where zombies really exist. Therefore there is no such thing as what a zombie should or should not look like.

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  13. Dammit...Zombie anti-aging magic! I'll have what they're having!
    ...

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  14. I hate it when ppl complain about that too! Since when was there "rule book" for how zombies should look!?

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  15. I love you. So much. Your book took my little head and shook it around - the only other authors that can do that for me are His Majesty Neil Gaiman and the Great Marcus Zusak. Let me know what you want your modifier to be, because it is very important that I have at least ONE of my favorite authors decide theirs.

    And yes. R is sexy as hell in both representations - how else could he be the Romantic/Byronic hero he is!?

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  16. I love R's undead complexion and black veins, his glare and stare, I melt at his groans and his shuffle. :) I think he is the sweetest thing I have seen - or read about - in quite a while. :) I am happy he is not your average zombie - what ever that may be ;)

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