3/24/2013

Marion VS the US Postal Service

Disaster.

Tragedy.

The US Postal Service may in fact deserve its apparently imminent destruction.

As described in this blog I am in the habit of signing people's books and returning them, provided that they include a pre-postaged mailer. I have signed and returned dozens of books by now, and I just learned a shocking fact. It seems that book-sized packages can not be mailed via my home mailbox. They must be presented to the almighty Post Office Clerk his-or-herself. But since the mailperson is a mindless mail-delivering automaton, he or she gladly picks up all my packages from my home mailbox and takes them away, despite them being undeliverable.

I have mailed dozens of books this way. And since I am a lazy man, I did not write a return address on any of them. Which means that they have all been sent to the Dead Letter Office: a vast, goblin-staffed warehouse located 5 miles beneath a nondescript corn field in Ohio. There, in the bowels of the Dead Letter Office, all your signed copies of Warm Bodies are being creased, dog-eared, and peed upon by goblins for all eternity.

I'm so sorry.

It's a pretty horrible situation, especially since I specifically promised so many of you, "Yes, I really will sign these and send them back to you!" but there's absolutely nothing I can do about it at this point, other than offer my sincere apologies for your loss and promise to do it right from now on. Keep in mind this only applies to books I received more than a month ago, as I have a big box of newer ones I haven't mailed yet, so if you haven't received your book yet, don't panic--it may simply be due to my own slow reply speed rather than any goblin-related treachery.

That is all. Good day.

P.S I still haven't received any cupcakes, n00ds, or powdered diseases. Very disappointed in you people.


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21 comments:

  1. I'm amazed your mail-person hasn't flagged you as a terrorist yet! I'm pretty sure cocaine distributors don't put a return address on their shipments, either.

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  2. Not the goblins!!

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  3. Uh-oh. I sent my book to your PO Box at the very end of February. According to the tracking info it was delivered there on March 1, I think? Do you think mine was one of the lost? (I'm the one who sent something for Watson, too.)

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  4. Oh no! Sozz. Sending packaged diseases asap.

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  5. P.S. Dude, if I send you cupcakes (& I totally will, if you want; I'm the epic-pizza maker, remember?) won't they go bad before you get them?

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  6. http://www.cupcakeproject.com/2010/12/how-to-ship-cupcakes.html

    How to Ship a Cupcake, one of many suggestions.

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  7. my question is would he even eat it?!?! LOL

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  8. Ummm, I'm so glad I got shy and my package didn't go out when I had initially planned. That would have made me super sad.

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  9. Whenever I send an SASE along I put my own return address on it as well as being properly addressed to me so the thing will be delivered no matter what. I still owe the post office 17 cents for postage due on a package that was delivered that way ten years ago. As a teenager I received a submission rejection enclosed with a ten-page short story in a 3x5 envelope (stuffed, and taped shut, but delivered) that CLEARLY had way too little postage on it.

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  10. So I went ALL the way back to the original post about sending you stuff (yep, fought my way through the woods and escaped bruised but alive), only to find out that apparently sending stuff abroad is a b*tch. I'm sad now :(
    Anyway, I just (like just as in just half an hour ago) finished Warm Bodies and I'll have a review up on my blog in a few days when I've gathered my thoughts beyond the somewhat boring and repetitive "READ IT READ IT READ IT" that I want to write out right now.
    I'm excited to hear that there's a sequel coming out, I'm looking forward to it!

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  11. Oh no! That's horrible! If I get another copy and send another is it working now?

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  12. oh god Vader NOOOO!!
    Kinda glad I didnt send mine out yet. BTW is there any candy you like? I can bet that would send a bit easier then cupcakes if not I will find a way to bring them to you my master.

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  13. How exactly, does one know where to send said book? Just wondering because i am just now hearing of this beautiful process.

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  14. I recently discovered this too. You can actually send books media mail up to 13 oz from your home. For some reason at 13.0 oz they become goodness knows what and then they have to be shipped from the post office. Very annoying when you have a trade size book to ship. The strange thing is that the rate doesn't increase, it's just the fact that the magic number of 13+ now, and if it has stamps, they need to handle it. Job security I guess.

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  15. Well, if it makes you feel any better, half of them most likely would have been lost in the bermuda triangle of postal incompetence, I've lost many a book that route *shakes fist at postal service*

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  16. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  17. I share Hillary's question. If I send perishables to a Seattle P.O. Box, and you live in Portland now, won't the cookies go stale before you can enjoy them? Then you'll just have a box of stale cookies and another reason to be sad.

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  18. I was incredibly lucky and won one of the plastic bags from the airport in the movie on Ebay. http://tinyurl.com/mxojnrd
    I'm going to frame it, together with a screenshot from the film, and hang it in the dining room.
    Any chance I could convince you to sign it? If I sent Otis Spunkmeyer muffins and swore to worship you forever? I bought the book, too, (which, as in most cases, is far better than the film), but I wouldn't expect you to sign *two* things. :)

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    Replies
    1. That's awesome! You can send it to me but I might just steal it.

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  19. I have have went a couple of rounds recently with the USPS. They try to make it hard for you to claim a package they lost or didn't take care of even if you insure said package. I no longer use them for my shipping. UPS all the way baby.

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